IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries have legal ages at which people can drink. Other countries believe not having strict laws is a better policy. Discuss both and give your opinion. Umar

Several nations have
availible
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available
 ages at which individuals can drink. Other countries consider not having
severve
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severe
 rules is a better policy.
Although
Linking Words
 legal ages can give
responsibilty
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responsibility
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
act
Replace the word
actions
show examples
 and assist
to escape
Change preposition
in escaping
show examples
commiting
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committing
 crimes,I believe that forbidden things can create awful
habbits
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habits
 and addiction. On the one hand,
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 of
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 can feel
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
accountability and help to run away do offences. Relying on
self esteem
Add a hyphen
self-esteem
show examples
imagination
Correct word choice
and imagination
show examples
 of consequences after any crime, which can create potential
visualition
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visualization
visualisation
understood
Verb problem
apply
show examples
of punishment ,can reduce the percentage of
criminal
Add an article
a criminal
the criminal
show examples
act
Fix the agreement mistake
acts
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, that
having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 an
imapct especcialy
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impact especially
 on youngsters. There is a classic example,in 2015 In Mexico was a dramatic increase in
vioation
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violence
,most of them were teenagers,
1action
Correct pronoun usage
one 1action
show examples
 per
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
each
Change the determiner
every
show examples
 7 humans, the governments of Mexico decided to illustrate what
occuring
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occurs
occurring
 in The National Jail Of Mexico, after showing
violent
Replace the word
violence
show examples
 punishments on
crimers
Correct your spelling
crimes
crime
, there was significant reduce of crime.
Also
Linking Words
 among students.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,things banned by the governments could produce terrible routines and dependency. Every youthful person
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
weakness
Fix the agreement mistake
weaknesses
show examples
 in their desires and bodies.
Due to
Linking Words
obtain
Change the verb form
obtaining
show examples
 new emotions and crazy feelings. After
taking
Correct pronoun usage
taking it
show examples
,they can not ignore
favourable
Add an article
the favourable
show examples
sensation
Fix the agreement mistake
sensations
show examples
 and
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
hostage
Add an article
a hostage
the hostage
show examples
 of
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
wish
Fix the agreement mistake
wishes
show examples
, encountering
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a lack of liquid,
Correct word choice
and want
show examples
want
Wrong verb form
wanting
show examples
 to tipple more and more.
For example
Linking Words
, famous worldwide
scientists
Fix the agreement mistake
scientist
show examples
 Dmitry Mendeleev,
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 explored
influence
Add an article
the influence
show examples
 of alcohol on
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation in 1915. Came to the conclusion that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 any person until 18, who drink alcohol,
generate
Correct subject-verb agreement
generates
show examples
 a huge quantity of irreversibly
consequnces
Correct your spelling
consequences
such
Linking Words
 as mental problems,
physicial
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physical
 issues and
tottaly
Correct your spelling
total
 addiction. In conclusion, even though
drinking
Correct article usage
the drinking
show examples
 age
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
 feel
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsible
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 freedom and escape from jail, I consider that forbidden
drink
Replace the word
drinking
show examples
 can create terrible
routins
Correct your spelling
routines
 and dependency.

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introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the points you will discuss in your essay. A strong thesis statement can guide your reader throughout the essay.
coherence
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using linking words and phrases more effectively. This will help your ideas connect smoothly and enhance readability.
examples
While you provided examples, ensure that they are clearly relevant to the point being made. More context or elaboration on your examples would strengthen your argument.
structure
You presented a balanced view of both sides of the argument, which is important in a discussion essay.
relevance
Your use of examples, particularly the mention of the statistics in Mexico and the historical reference to Dmitry Mendeleev, adds depth to your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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