IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The majority of individuals think that it is the most beneficial to motivate
children
Use synonyms
 to go on a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
 whilst others consider that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach
children
Use synonyms
 to go on a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
.I will discuss both perspectives before presenting my opinion. In favour of the first view,
children
Use synonyms
 are
together with
Linking Words
 their classmates at
school
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,
hence
Linking Words
 staff can stimulate effortlessly them to proceed in a
diet
Use synonyms
,
due to
Linking Words
 competition among them.
While
Linking Words
 juveniles are capable
to continue
Change preposition
of continuing
show examples
 their
diet
Use synonyms
, educators might
high
Replace the word
highly
show examples
 praise them to
encourage
Correct pronoun usage
encourage them
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 consider that a
school
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 is stricter compared to a home where
allows
Wrong verb form
allowed
show examples
 to do what they want.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they are more responsible and eager to keep their healthy
diet
Use synonyms
 in front of other
children
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 which looks like a rival and teachers at
school
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent research published by BBC ,owing to strict regulations, schools are more successful
to stimulate
Change preposition
in stimulating
show examples
children
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 to have a healthy lifestyle.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, staff can not prevent a great deal of
children
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 from
inhealthy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
in healthy
 foods,
therefore
Linking Words
 teachers hesitate whether it is possible to encourage them.
That is
Linking Words
 to say,
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation,
parents
Use synonyms
 can
overcome well
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to deter from junk foods or sugar which are hazardous
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 health.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should pay more attention to
monitor
Wrong verb form
monitoring
show examples
 their child's daily
nutrident
Correct your spelling
nutrient
 routine.
Additionally
Linking Words
, after reaching the major goal , they can
allow to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
enjoy their favourite food at weekends.
Parents
Use synonyms
 are more worried about their
Use synonyms
children'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 life than others and endeavour that
children
Use synonyms
 aspire to keep their healthy life including
diet
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, it is easier to manage
children
Use synonyms
 by loved ones compared to others. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe , both statements are convincing;
while
Linking Words
 owing to
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
stricter rules, schools give an effective way to stimulate their healthy
diet
Use synonyms
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 capable
to check
Change preposition
of checking
show examples
 their health
routing
Correct your spelling
routine
show examples
 by offering awards for minor aims.

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coherence
The introduction could be more clearly structured, with a stronger thesis statement that outlines your opinion more clearly.
coherence
Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to help the flow between ideas, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
task achievement
Include specific examples and evidence to support your points, as this can help strengthen your arguments in both views and your conclusion.
task achievement
You have addressed both views on the topic and provided your opinion, which is essential for this type of essay.
content
The essay demonstrates an understanding of the importance of both schools and parents in promoting a healthy diet for children.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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