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Writing Samples
Band 5

The world is experiencing a dramatic increase in population. This is causing problems not only for poor, undeveloped countries, but also for industrialized and developing nations. Describe some of the problems that overpopulation causes, and suggest at least one possible solution.

The world’s
population
Use synonyms
 has increased, and its growth has accelerated for the
last
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 50 years and will continue for several decades.
This
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 essay examines some
problems
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 that
this
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 phenomenon has brought about and actions that our society can take to mitigate these
problems
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. Several concerns can be anticipated as
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 rises. In developing
countries
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, the shortage of
food
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 would be a serious problem. As the
population
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 increases, the demand
of
Change preposition
for
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food
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is surpassing
Wrong verb form
surpasses
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 the supply of
food
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, which might
make
Verb problem
cause
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 many
people
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 in poor nations
die
Fix the infinitive
to die
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 of starvation.
On the other hand
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, in developed
countries
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, overcrowding
problems
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 and the destruction of the environment would be exacerbated
due to
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 the increase in
population
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. Many
people
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 are moving to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
urban
areas
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 in order to seek jobs, which can increase the cost of living and chronic traffic congestion.
Additionally
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, broad suburban
areas
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 would be developed to accommodate
people
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, which might damage the natural environment. In order to tackle these
problems
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, various measures can be taken.
Firstly
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, in developing
countries
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,
government
Add an article
the government
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 should improve the
food
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 production system.
For example
Linking Words
, in some
countries
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, genetically modified (GM)
food
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, which is resistant to various diseases and grows rapidly, was installed and successfully mitigated the
food
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 shortage
problems
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. By improving the efficiency of
food
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 production,
government
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the government
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 can solve the
food
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 insufficiency.
Secondly
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, in developed
countries
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,
well-planed
Correct your spelling
well-planned
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 city design is necessary. By building accommodations in accordance with the long-term town and country planning,
government
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the government
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 can avoid excessive concentration of
people
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 in urban
areas
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 and minimize the environmental
destructions
Fix the agreement mistake
destruction
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 in rural
areas
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. In conclusion, overpopulation has some negative impacts on both wealthy and needy
countries
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, but governments can take steps to solve these
problems
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.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on the solutions suggested to provide a more robust response and enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a smoother flow of ideas between paragraphs and make explicit connections to strengthen the overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid redundant phrases to enhance clarity, such as 'the world’s population has increased' and 'its growth has accelerated'.
coherence and cohesion
Good organization of ideas with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Relevant examples were provided to support your points, particularly the mention of genetically modified food.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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