IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, most meals and beverages have featured high levels of sugar that are harmful to
health
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, and because of that the
price
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 of sugary products must be increased. I strongly agree with those who believe that increasing the
price
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 of sugary products would encourage
people
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 to lower their consumption levels and promote healthier lifestyles. Increasing prices of sugary
foods
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 and
drinks
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 may help
people
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 from unhealthy lifestyles, which is better for human
health
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. By raising the
price
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, they may opt for healthy
foods
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 and
drinks
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. To illustrate, in America a country with one of the highest percentages of obesity rates, they choose sugary
foods
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 and
drinks
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 because it is cheaper than healthy
foods
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, and other than that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
quicker to prepare.
Moreover
Linking Words
, lowering the
price
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 of healthy food would have a more immediate and positive impact on public
health
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, sugary
foods
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 and
drinks
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 not only cause obesity
,
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apply
show examples
 but can
also
Linking Words
 lead to diabetes, which may
also
Linking Words
 cause complications in the human body.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, expensive sugary products would change
people
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's behaviour from consuming sugary
foods
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 and
drinks
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 to picking healthy ones if the government and society agree to educate
people
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 about the nutritional labels of sugary
foods
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 and
drinks
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,
in particular
Linking Words
, it can lead to diabetes. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some may argue increasing the prices of
foods
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 and
drinks
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 that feature excessive levels of sugar is not a guaranteed way to encourage
people
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 to have a healthy lifestyle, I firmly believe that raising the cost of meals and beverages would improve public
health
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. It would not only prevent
people
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 from obesity but
also
Linking Words
 reduce the risk of diabetes.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it could change
people
Use synonyms
's lifestyles to more healthy.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents your stance, but it could be more engaging. Consider adding a hook to capture interest. Also, try to restate the main argument to enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The structure is generally logical, but some ideas could flow better. For instance, clarify the transition between the discussions on obesity and diabetes. You might use linking words more effectively to improve coherence.
task achievement
While you provide relevant examples, further elaboration on the effects of sugar consumption could strengthen your argument. More diverse examples might also showcase your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You expressed a clear opinion which is crucial for task achievement. Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing your argument well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both the lifestyle implications and health concerns associated with sugar consumption, which indicates a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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