IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that the government should take care of disadvantaged people such as the unemployed and the homeless. Do you agree or disagree?

People
Use synonyms
 often argue that local presidents must be accountable for individuals without jobs or houses.
While
Linking Words
 having a home and a job is essential for all citizens, the government is not responsible for providing these privileges to its residents.
Therefore
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, I strongly disagree with
this
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 opinion. Local authorities have other priorities than helping unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 who are responsible for themselves.
Furthermore
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, providing decent health care and a proper educational system is more vital than
lavishing
Verb problem
spending
show examples
 money on careless humans. Helping these souls will drain the budget of
country
Add an article
the country
a country
show examples
.
Thus
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, other crucial fields might be negatively affected, which will have serious consequences
on
Change preposition
for
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 the nation.
For example
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, funding the homeless not only harms the economy, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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also
Linking Words
 stimulates other
people
Use synonyms
 to
be
Verb problem
become
show examples
 unemployed, which will impact society in a bad way. Every person should be responsible for themselves.
Moreover
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, in 1996, the vast majority of
people
Use synonyms
 in Germany had an agreement that every one of them should contribute positively by obtaining an occupation or starting a business.
As a result
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, the economy thrived after they implemented and redeemed
this
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 promise.
In addition
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, when males and females are responsible, problems like poverty and unemployment disappear.
For instance
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, in Canada, the rate of homeless
people
Use synonyms
 is nearly 0%. That's because most souls there are in charge of their lives.
To sum up
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, building hospitals and schools is way more important than assisting males who don't function in the community. On top of
this
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, a lot of us
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 to absorb that we should take care of ourselves financially to purchase homes and to give a hand to our economic situation.

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task achievement
Consider rephrasing the introduction to clearly state your position and the reasons supporting it. A stronger thesis can help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to structure your paragraphs more clearly. Using clear topic sentences and ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea can enhance coherence.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples that are relevant to your arguments. This will strengthen your points and enhance your overall task response.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear viewpoint and offers reasons for your stance, which is a good basis for an argumentative essay.
task achievement
You successfully use examples from different countries to support your arguments, which adds depth to your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • disadvantaged
  • economic stability
  • social responsibility
  • vulnerable populations
  • resources
  • social programs
  • long-term solutions
  • community safety
  • consumer spending
  • societal problems
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