IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days young children spend a lot of time using computers, tablet and smartphones. Some people think that introducing children to technology at a young age is beneficial. Others believe that they would benefit more from traditional games. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.

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Introduction
We are living in
digital
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a digital
the digital
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 world where
technology
Use synonyms
 creates a lot of ease in doing our daily tasks and it is
also
Linking Words
 a necessary part of our life.
This
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 digitalization
putting
Verb problem
has
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great
Correct article usage
a great
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 social and
economical
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economic
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 impact on the masses. Even young kids
also
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 use
such
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tachnolgy
Correct your spelling
technology
 gadgets like
computerrs
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computers
computer
 tablets and smartphones in schools as
wel
Correct your spelling
well
 as their
home
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homes
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
some people think that
use
Correct article usage
the use
show examples
 of
technology
Use synonyms
 is helpful for our kids so that it is not only a source of
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the
show examples
latest information about different happenings in the world but
also
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enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
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thier
Correct your spelling
their
 creativity and knowledge.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, They
also
Linking Words
 argue that today's maximum education learning depends on
technology
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 devices
espacially
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especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computers and almost every school have
latest
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the latest
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 computer labs which provide
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a
the
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most knowledgeful and effective atmosphere for the students.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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, there is
also
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 a thought of
school
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schools
show examples
 who
thinks
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think
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, that young children
shuold
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should
 focus on traditional games rather than spending their time on computers or smartphones for
gamming
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gaming
show examples
.
Body paragraph 4
They
also
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 pointed out that children should utilise
there
Replace the word
their
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 free time in physical activities which make them
phsycially
Correct your spelling
physically
 and mentally active.
Body paragraph 5
In addition
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, I would like to say that, both
school
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schools
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 of
thoughts
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thought
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 have
there
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their
show examples
 own
logics
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logic
show examples
 because children
needs
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need
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 traditional games and
phsycial
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physical
 activities but they
also
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 have to be aware of the
benifits
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benefits
 of the proper use of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
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.
Conclusion
In
Last
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, I conclude my argument with the explanation that our young generation
not
Add a missing verb
is not
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 only physically and
mentelly
Correct your spelling
mentally
 active but
also
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 have maximum knowledge of digital
technology
Use synonyms
 like computers, tablets and smartphones so that they could be able to get maximum information and happening in
world
Add an article
the world
show examples

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task achievement
Consider improving the introduction by clearly outlining your main points and the stance you will take in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all paragraphs have a clear main idea, and connect them logically to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Add specific examples to support your points, as this will strengthen your argument and illustrate your ideas more clearly.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay has a relevant and timely topic, reflecting current trends in society.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • educational apps
  • cognitive development
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • collaborative games
  • adaptability
  • digital devices
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • health issues
  • obesity
  • imaginative play
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • pretend play
What to do next:
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