IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that animal extinction is a natural part of evolution, while others think it is caused by human activities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is an ongoing debate about whether animal extinction is a natural process or not. The issue of animal extinction has become increasingly widespread in recent years,
this
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 essay will outline the root causes and suggest holistic strategies for mitigation. I firmly believe that
this
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 process is not natural and it’s all because of human actions. ‏
To begin
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 with,
although
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 killing
animals
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 in order to obtain personal needs boasts substantial benefits
such
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 as supporting the country’s economy, its drawbacks warrant greater consideration. Poachers often depend on
animals
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 for their personal needs,
such
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 as benefiting from their skin, meat, hair and so on.
Subsequently
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, when the
animals
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 have been killed, poachers sell them for profit.
As a result
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, the animal rate has been undergoing a sharp downturn over time and even some species have already been extinct
such
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 as the atlas bear. ‏
However
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,
this
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 action can be prevented by ‏implementing strict rules for hunting.
For example
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, behind every killed animal there will be a harsh punishment,
such
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 as high taxes, and sentencing to prison;
thus
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, all the hunters will be careful and they will avoid killing these
animals
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.
In addition
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, natural reserves should be built in many areas to protect the
animals
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 , especially the rare ones;
therefore
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,
animals
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 will have protected areas and will live safely. ‏Taking everything into account, the extinction phenomenon has been growing rapidly in recent years,
due to
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 human actions. Personally, I believe that strict regulations must be enforced as soon as possible
,
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apply
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 because
this
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 case is being ignored by many governmental agencies.
Finally
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., It is essential for
animals
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 to have a safe habitat in order to live and reproduce

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be clearer by directly stating the two views before presenting your own opinion. Consider restructuring for better flow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to conclude with a strong summary of your points and restate your opinion in different words to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
While your points are valid, try to elaborate on specific examples more deeply to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Incorporate more variety in your sentence structures to enhance the overall cohesiveness of your writing.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic, which is supported by arguments and potential solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of linking words like 'however', 'to begin with', and 'as a result' demonstrates good organization and flow of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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