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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many parts of the world, people are living longer than they used to . Some believe this can cause problems, while others think an aging population can bring advantages for businesses, governments and society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your opinion

There is a debate over a topic that in recent days, society is living longer compared to before. It is argued that
this
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 situation brings some kind of drawbacks.
However
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, others think, it has more advantages for populations.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives before presenting my own opinion. On the one hand, when citizens live longer it can have a negative aspect
such
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 as overpopulation .
As a consequence
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, society damages the environment
as well as
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 causes air pollution. Since many individuals use their own cars to arrive at their destinations
instead
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 of public transport. Meanwhile, cities might become crowded, and
as a result
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, traffic congestion will increase.
Therefore
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, it should be balanced, because it can cause serious problems.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 dilemma has some positive sides. If individuals live longer, they are able to spend more
time
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 with family members and friends
as well as
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 achieve their goals. The majority of people do not balance
time
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 with work with family, since they try to cover the family expenses and spend more
time
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 at jobs.
For instance
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, in Germany, the population lives longer rather than in other countries.
Due to
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 plenty of the population achieve their goals and spend half of their lives with family members.
Thus
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,
this
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 trend has positive effects on communities, as the family is a vital part of our lives. In conclusion,
while
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this
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 trend has disadvantages ,I personally believe that when people live longer it will have more positive aspects for humanity.
As they
Correct word choice
They
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 are able to spend plenty of
time
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 with family members and friends
as well as
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can
Verb problem
apply
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have more
time
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 to cube goals.
However
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, balancing is the best option.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate on the main points further to enhance your argument. Providing a broader exploration of both sides can help in expressing your ideas clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use transitional phrases to enhance the flow of your essay. For example, use 'On the contrary' or 'Conversely' to introduce opposing views.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your conclusion by reiterating your opinion more explicitly rather than just mentioning balance. A strong conclusion encapsulates your main argument.
coherence and cohesion
You presented a clear argument structure, with a recognizable introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay brought relevant examples that enhance your points, such as the reference to Germany and the family importance.
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