Question: Some people feel that public money should not be spent on cultural amenities, such as museums, theaters and art festivals. How important do you think these things are to society as a whole ? Are there any areas which are more important for the government to fund.

Many people think that the
government
Use synonyms
should not allocate tax
payer's
Change noun form
payer
show examples
money to local cultural spaces
such
Linking Words
as museums,
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
and art festivals as there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
more important
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
it could fund.
However
Linking Words
, I'm inclined to think that it is necessary and will benefit society
that
Correct word choice
if
show examples
the
government
Use synonyms
invest in these cultural amenities. One very important reason that the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
should sponsor the arts and cultural spaces and events is that
this
Linking Words
highlights the uniqueness of a
country
Use synonyms
, especially when tourists visit. Cultural places like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
local
temple
Fix the agreement mistake
temples
show examples
, mosques, churches, museums, and
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
show examples
are great places for tourists and locals alike to experience the local culture and learn more about the
country
Use synonyms
's history.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
places
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
incredible
Change the adjective
incredibly
show examples
important for cultural identity and
educational
Replace the word
education
show examples
for visitors and locals. Another important thing about cultural institutions is that whenever they hold events, tourists will travel to the
country
Use synonyms
in droves just to attend the festivals, often spending money on other amenities like
hotel
Fix the agreement mistake
hotels
show examples
, shopping, transport and shopping
local
Change preposition
for local
show examples
food and products.
This
Linking Words
will contribute to the national GDP and often offset the initial expenditure that the
government
Use synonyms
spent.
For example
Linking Words
, during
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
new year's
Correct your spelling
New Year's
show examples
celebration, the Thai
government
Use synonyms
spent several hundred
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
on fireworks.
This
Linking Words
attracted plenty of visitors and media attention
thus
Linking Words
,
earming
Correct your spelling
earning
international goodwill as well. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
it is understandable that some of the public might not want the
government
Use synonyms
to spend money on cultural amenities, it is
actual
Change the word
actually
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crucial for society as a whole to do so. As
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
it
Add a comma
it,
show examples
these spaces are tied in with national education
as well as
Linking Words
tourism and will greatly benefit the
country
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Strengthen the introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement that encapsulates your position more explicitly. Consider outlining the main points you will discuss in support of your view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to use the correct form of words. For example, 'a local temple' should be 'local temples' to maintain consistency in plurality. Also, ensure to say 'the government should sponsor' instead of 'the goverment should sponsor.'
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Try to use linking words such as 'Moreover,' or 'In addition' to connect your points more smoothly. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Task Achievement
The conclusion could be more impactful by summarizing the main arguments explicitly and reiterating the significance of cultural funding for societal benefits. Also, avoid stating that it is 'actual' instead of 'actually'.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion in favor of government funding for cultural amenities, which is a fundamental requirement for addressing the task.
Task Achievement
Examples provided, such as the New Year celebration in Thailand, effectively illustrate your points and add depth to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas, particularly in discussing the benefits for tourism and cultural identity, which helps support your arguments.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: