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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

There is a current discussion about whether
art
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 subjects should be key subjects as the rest of subjects
such
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 as math, languages, social science and science, especially in elementary schools. I totally agree with
this
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 notion because it helps children to find their talent and makes them spend their
time
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 in useful activities. I agree with
this
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 idea because I believe that arts benefit younger people in many ways.
Firstly
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, it makes them figure out their gifts which is a crucial thing to do early. It gets harder as they get older because they would be busy with other
things
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.
As a result
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, they could benefit from their talents through working as artists and making them a money resource.
In addition
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, they might be celebrities in some
art
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 field.
For example
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, there are many famous artists who declared in interviews that they found their abilities at school. Another reason,
art
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 classes help to make students spend their
time
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 on beneficial
things
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.
This
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 reduces their use of devices which makes them more effective and intelligent people, and avoid wasting
time
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 on the wrong
things
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 in
this
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 phase because it is the most important phase of our lives.
For instance
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, a child could spend an hour watching TV and another hour in practice on the piano
instead
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 of spending two hours watching TV.
Therefore
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, they could have fun and improve a new skill at the same
time
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. In conclusion, I agree that music,
art
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 and drama are as crucial as other courses at the primary level. Because kids could gain several positive outcomes,
such
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 as finding their talents and filling their free
time
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 with beneficial
things
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.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing a stronger counterargument to show awareness of different perspectives on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more varied transition words to improve the flow between different ideas and paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each main point is fully developed to provide clearer explanations and examples when supporting your ideas.
Task Achievement
Good articulation of opinions and clear agreement with the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly sets the stage for the argument to follow.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • problem-solving skills
  • cultural awareness
  • curriculum
  • engaging
  • memorable
  • nurture
  • talents
  • core subjects
  • academic
  • professional success
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