IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The government should spend more money on medical research to protect citizens’ health rather than on protecting the environment. Do you agree or disagree?

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In the modern world, more and more people are concerned about their
health
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.
As a result
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, some believe that
Health
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 and strength are always the top, so the government should invest more in medical research to protect citizens rather than environmental surroundings. In my perspective, I disagree with the above statement, I think that a balance between two views is the best option. Granted, one might argue that
health
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 is the highest priority to humans,
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this
Correct word choice
but this
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 concern is more urgent than concentrating on protecting the environment. those people think that environmental issues around us are just all about the habitats in which we are living, maybe can be solved later when our
health
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 is assured.
However
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,
this
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 line of reasoning is not sound, because protecting the environment is protecting our vitality as well. there are a ton of articles that prove pollution or emissions from our places are one of the reasons that affect our general conditions, so from those facts, it is unreasonable if the government only spends money on medical research, which does not perfectly tackle our
health
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 permanently.
Hence
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 it is not right to prioritize mainly the medical sphere.
On the other hand
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, others want to invest more in preserving and maintaining our living areas around. They suppose that diseases mostly come from our habitats, or specifically from those industries and factories. Those factors are true, but not enough, viruses and ill
health
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 arise from various sources,
for instance
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, the foods we daily eat, original illness risks in our body, and ancient diseases sleeping under ice, which with the improvement in medical progress may help us a lot. So if only focusing on the surrounding problems, it could leave another issue unsolved.
To conclude
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, if we insist on spending money on one aspect,
then
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 it may not tackle the whole picture completely. So the best solution is to have
the
Correct article usage
a
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 balance between the two aspects.

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Introduction and Conclusion
Ensure your introduction clearly presents your viewpoint on the topic and that your conclusion summarizes your argument effectively. Your essay does this well, but refining your stance in the introduction could make your position clearer from the outset.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea that relates directly to your overall argument. Use more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument cohesively.
Supported Main Points
Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
Task Achievement
To achieve a higher score in task achievement, aim to cover all aspects of the prompt more thoroughly. This includes providing a balanced discussion and more specific examples to back up your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • moral obligation
  • advanced treatments
  • economic benefits
  • workforce
  • healthcare costs
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • comprehensive benefits
  • investment
  • global sustainability
  • long-term health security
  • disease proliferation
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