IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parent should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet

There is a debate over the importance of a balanced diet for children, with some saying the diet should be acquired at school, and others arguing that the parent's effect is better. In my point of view, litter has more effects as a healthy diet is only to take care of children. Early childhood education ought to be focused on the school systems in students, and the advantage of advertising harmful products significantly negatively affects the lifestyles of adolescents. Owing to its high sugar and chemical content, it can lead to obesity .
However
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, caregivers have to limit and regulate the number of advertisements.
In addition
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, the collaboration between schools and parents is able to support healthcare at young ages.
For instance
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, schools may offer instruction in health-related topics and participation in physical activities,
moreover
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, it can
also
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 get into shape and stabilize immune systems

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the stage for the topic, but try to include a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main argument more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
There are a few grammatical inaccuracies in your writing (e.g., 'litter has more effects' should be 'latter has more effect'). Make sure to proofread for clarity and grammar.
coherence and cohesion
The second paragraph presents some good points but could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more cohesive development. Ensure that every idea flows logically from the previous one.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a more structured conclusion that summarizes the main points and reinforces your viewpoint clearly.
task achievement
You have identified a pertinent issue and presented arguments from both sides, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have included relevant ideas about the role of schools and parents in promoting healthy diets, which demonstrates thoughtful engagement with the subject.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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