IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others, however, say that life for the elderly nowadays is much better than it was in the past. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is irrefutable that in
this
Linking Words
 century technology has been spread all over the world. Few folks are concerned
regarding
Change preposition
that
show examples
 getting old is bad in
this
Linking Words
 modern era.
Whereas
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that from past
years
Use synonyms
, life of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 is much better these days. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both sides
along with
Linking Words
 my own opinion. On the one hand, old
people
Use synonyms
 are facing several challenges in
this
Linking Words
 century.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they are facing issues with their families. To elaborate
this
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 busy schedule
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 kids have no time to take care of their parents.
While
Linking Words
 in past, human beings used to live in joint families
whereas
Linking Words
 now they only prefer nuclear families.
This
Linking Words
 is directly affecting their bond with their elders. When
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
 cannot give good care to their parents they send them to retirement homes.
This
Linking Words
 breaks old
people
Use synonyms
 emotionally as they
stary
Correct your spelling
start
show examples
 living alone and apart from kids and grandkids.
This
Linking Words
 trend has just started in
this
Linking Words
 modern era before
this
Linking Words
 was not seen that children
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 sending their parents to retirement homes.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, advanced technology has given
wide
Add an article
the wide
a wide
show examples
 variety of benefits to old
Use synonyms
people'
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 health. In detail, in
this
Linking Words
generation
Add a comma
generation,
show examples
 most of the health problems can be cured through medicines or
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different ways.
This
Linking Words
 wasn't available in past
years
Use synonyms
. Doctors have worked very hard to cure diseases which old
people
Use synonyms
 face. Advanced machines are giving therapies to patients who have problems regarding their back pains.
For example
Linking Words
,
number
Change the article
the number
show examples
 of
deaths
Change the noun form
death
show examples
 rates of masses who
are move
Change the verb form
move
show examples
 70
years
Use synonyms
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 5
years
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was only possible because of the medicines and techniques to treat health problems.
As well as
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have increased the age limit for working because in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 few
Use synonyms
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
peopel
Correct your spelling
people
 who are 60
years
Use synonyms
 old can
also
Linking Words
 work and
this
Linking Words
 wasn't allowed in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 century.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I believe that advanced technology has given more opportunities for old
people
Use synonyms
 to survive in the world happily. By curing diseases through different methods doctors have expanded the life expectancy of older
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph directly addresses the question and maintains a clear focus throughout. Consider adding more development or exemplification in some points.
coherence and cohesion
Work on using a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow and connection between your ideas. For example, using linking words and phrases can help clarify the relationships between different points.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument in a structured manner, clearly indicating your opinion in the conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments for both viewpoints.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • elderly
  • modern world
  • decline
  • physical
  • mental health
  • diseases
  • disabilities
  • social isolation
  • loneliness
  • access
  • healthcare
  • medications
  • lifelong learning
  • personal growth
  • social support
  • community engagement
  • positive aspects
  • negative aspects
What to do next:
Look at other essays: