IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

There is no denying the fact that in recent years, lots of kids spend many hours each day on their
devices
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 like
smartphones
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. Many people think that it is a positive development,
while
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 others believe that it is a negative development.
This
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 essay will analyze
this
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 topic from both points of view.
To begin
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 with, there are many positive effects that
children
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 may have by spending little
time
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 on their
smartphones
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.
Children
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 may
use
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 their smart
devices
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 to learn new things or languages,
this
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 will improve their knowledge and information.
In addition
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 to that, A child may
use
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 his or her smartphone to play games which improve and develop his or her creativity and imagination.
For example
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, a child might
use
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 an educational app to learn a math lesson or watch a science experiment,
this
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 will help him or her to understand school books and classes.
On the other hand
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, using
smartphones
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 for a long
time
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 has negative aspects , especially for
children
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.Kids who spend a long
time
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 on
devices
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 may have health problems like obesity or eyes and vision issues, because of the long
time
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 playing on the screen.
Moreover
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, many
children
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 may have internet adaption which may cause mental health problems and diseases
such
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 as depression and anxiety.
Additionally
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,
children
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 may open inappropriate websites or platforms that might affect their thinking methods. In conclusion, nowadays, some
children
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 spend a part of their
time
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 on
smartphones
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.
This
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 has positive and negative impacts on the child and his or her family. Many communities believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. In my opinion,
children
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 should not spend too much
time
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 on
smartphones
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, they ought to make a balance between real life and smart
devices
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. Parents
also
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 have to teach their
children
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 not to
use
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smartphones
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 in a bad way and for a long period of
time
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 .

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coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the linkage between your ideas by using more cohesive devices (like 'however', 'furthermore', etc.) to enhance the flow of your argument.
task achievement
Make sure to clearly express your viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion. Although it's implied, a stronger statement in both areas would clarify your position on the topic.
task achievement
While you provide examples, developing them further could enhance the response. Consider elaborating on how a specific app or game impacts creativity.
strength
Your essay presents a balanced perspective on the topic, addressing both positive and negative aspects well.
strength
You have structured your essay logically, with clear paragraphs for introduction, body points, and conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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