Although nowadays many people have access to sports facilities, modern lifestyles are becoming less and less active. What problems are associated with this? How can people be persuaded to have a more active lifestyle?

Sport
Change the noun form
Sports
show examples
facilities are approachable to the public yet
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
present day
Add a hyphen
present-day
show examples
lifestyle is becoming inactive causing many problems , the major being health issues. People can be convinced to have
agile
Add an article
an agile
show examples
routine
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
various mediums like social media.  With recent
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
show examples
in technology, man
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
being tooled by their tools. Most of the work is being done by machines, robots or computers. These gadgets are
mosly
Correct your spelling
mostly
monitored by sitting in offices.
Also
Linking Words
, working
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
of individuals spend more time in offices doing work,
Similarly
Linking Words
, students spend time in schools. So after spending hours in offices, individuals of different occupations spending time in their respective stations, want to rest
instead
Linking Words
of going to walk, gym or engaging in other physical activities despite having easy access to
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities. People can be convinced to be physically active by various mediums like
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
show examples
,
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
,
Correct word choice
and instagram
show examples
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
and
also
Linking Words
by conducting seminars in
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
, schools and colleges. So, by highlighting
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
of physical activities and
dynamic
Correct article usage
a dynamic
show examples
lifestyle, and
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
of being less sporty, people will learn the effectiveness of being active on health and mind. Henceforth, it is very important for growth and physical fitness to be lively and engaging in different
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
activities because a sound mind lies in a sound body.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your introduction is concise, but it could be expanded to clearly outline the problems associated with inactive lifestyles and briefly mention solutions in a more organized way.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay could be improved by adding clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader. Additionally, linking words could enhance the flow between your ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
While you mentioned social media as a tool for persuasion, including more specific examples or case studies would strengthen your argument significantly. Also, elaborating on the potential health consequences could provide more depth.
Task Achievement
You address both parts of the question, discussing problems associated with an inactive lifestyle and suggesting methods to encourage a more active lifestyle.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your writing demonstrates a clear awareness of modern lifestyles and their impact on physical activity, which is an important and relevant point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: