IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Violence in media promotes violence in society. to what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In recent years,
there
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 has been believed that
violence
Use synonyms
which showed
Wrong verb form
that is shown
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
media
Use synonyms
 makes
people
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do so in real life. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
due to
Linking Words
 many criminal cases happen and relate
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
media
Use synonyms
show
Fix the agreement mistake
shows
show examples
. There are reasons why
media
Use synonyms
 influence
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 attitudes,
namely
Add a comma
namely,
show examples
 they believe that everything
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
show examples
 in
media
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 good,
Correct word choice
and children's
show examples
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
thing
Correct your spelling
think
show examples
 that
violence
Use synonyms
 is the way for somebody to be a superhero and
violence
Use synonyms
 can be the solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 any problem. 
First,
Linking Words
technology
had
Verb problem
is
show examples
 very
closed
Replace the word
close
show examples
 to
people
Use synonyms
's
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
, sometimes
people
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more time with technology namely
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 or
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 than face-to-face interaction. With technology anything we can learn
include
Correct subject-verb agreement
includes
show examples
value
Add an article
the value
show examples
 of life. Many quotes and short videos on social
media
Use synonyms
 teach us how to be a good
Correct your spelling
person
pearson
Correct your spelling
person
,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 as long as
people
Use synonyms
 learn from social
media
Use synonyms
, their ability to filter #decreased
Second,
Linking Words
to be a superhero
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the movie usually have to fight
creature
Fix the agreement mistake
creatures
show examples
. Children make an imagination that their friend is the creature, so to be a superhero they fight to be a champion.
Third,
Linking Words
some
people
Use synonyms
 think that if there is a problem and hard to solve the
last
Linking Words
 way is
violence
Use synonyms
. There is a tendency
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
violence
Use synonyms
 is the one of the solutions. Of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is the wrong understanding.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 tendency appears to
after
Add a missing verb
be after
show examples
 watching content on the
media
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I agree that
violence
Use synonyms
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 because of
people
Use synonyms
 watching it
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
media
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
due to
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 do not have
knowledge
Change the article
the knowledge
show examples
 to distinguish which one
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
media
Use synonyms
 content or
suit
Replace the word
suited
show examples
 for real life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction needs to be clearer in stating your position on the topic. You could also improve the clarity of your main points by using more precise language.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow between your paragraphs. For instance, clearly connect your arguments to each other and reinforce how they support your main thesis.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to support your claims. This will strengthen your argument and make your points more compelling.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic, which is important for task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs generally follow a structure, presenting ideas that relate to the overall argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Desensitization
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Imitation
  • Media regulation
  • Cultural context
  • Exposure
  • Social influence
  • Violent imagery
  • Psychological impact
  • Norms and values
  • Media consumption
  • Sensationalism
What to do next:
Look at other essays: