IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some companies sponsor stars and sport players as way to advertise for themselves. Some people think that it is good, while others think that there are more disadvantages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In recent years, the number of
advertisements
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 that individuals see every day has risen.
Therefore
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, some
companies
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 started investing in some
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 players as a way to advertise themselves. Some
people
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 claim that
this
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 will help attract
people
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 to sports,
while
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 others firmly believe that increasing the number of
adds
Correct your spelling
ads
show examples
 will lead to disappointment
of
Change preposition
in
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 the fans.
This
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 essay will elucidate both sides of
this
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 argument and provide a personal opinion. Nowadays, we can'
t
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 imagine our
lifes
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lives
life
 without seeing any
advertisements
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 at all. Regular
sitizen
Correct your spelling
citizen
 see around 20-50
adds everyday
Correct your spelling
ads every day
show examples
. After enough time your brain can just get used to perceiving pop-ups and automatically ignore them.
For instance
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, recent research has revealed that the brain of a typical person today has developed the ability to ignore most of the ads they see in their daily lives.
Furthermore
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, adding more
adds
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ads
show examples
 during
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sport
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sports
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 events or sponsoring some
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 players is not that big of a deal.
Additionally
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, by allowing
companies
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 to sponsor stars,
companies
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 will attract more young
people
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 to their industry,
due to
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increased
Correct article usage
the increased
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 payments they can offer.
Nevertheless
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, it is obvious that modern society won'
t
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 appreciate more
advertisements
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 in their regular life. By affecting things
people
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 are interested in,
companies
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 can cause mass dissatisfaction.
For example
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, events like
Correct article usage
the footbal
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footbal
Correct your spelling
football
 world
cup
Capitalize word
Cup
show examples
 and COMIC.con are full of pop-ups,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result
of
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apply
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that
Correct determiner usage
apply
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fans are repelled. Many business couches advise their clients to limit the amount of
adds
Correct your spelling
ads
show examples
 they want to put in their projects, so they won'
t
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 lose their clients. In conclusion, I think it is evident that there is nothing bad with additional
advertisements
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 if they won'
t
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 harm anyone and will benefit the
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sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 players.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider using clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through your arguments. Each paragraph should begin with a sentence that outlines the main idea of that paragraph. This will improve the overall logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Make sure to spell-check your essay to avoid minor typos and grammatical errors (e.g., 'adds' should be 'ads' and 'sitizen' should be 'citizen'). Small inaccuracies can distract the reader and affect your score.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to provide more context and make them more relevant to your argument. For instance, you could elaborate on why advertising affects fan experience negatively by discussing specific events or reactions from fans.
task achievement
You have clearly stated both sides of the argument in your essay, demonstrating an understanding of the task requirement.
task achievement
Your conclusion provides a clear personal opinion, which is important in a discussion essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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