IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

Without an iota of doubt, nowadays, the problem of being overweight is significantly increasing among
children
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. One school of thought believes that the rise of
this
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obesity
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 pandemic among
minors
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 is caused by over-reliance on fast food items and a sedentary lifestyle. I completely agree with
this
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 opinion, the government and
parents
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 can take proper measures to mitigate
this
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 problem. There are several reasons why an increasing number of young generation are diagnosed with
obesity
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.
Firstly
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,
due to
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parents
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' lack of time to prepare nutritious
meals
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, on the ground of
children
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 are more likely to consume high amounts of unhealthy foods, which include pre-cooked food and sugary soft drinks.
For example
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, there is some evidence which indicates that packaged
meals
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 often contain an excessive number of fats, preservatives and sugars.
As a result
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, daily consumption of fast food not only increases the risk of
obesity
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 but
also
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 causes chronic illnesses like heart disease, diabetes and cancer.
Additionally
Linking Words
, another reason in
this
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 regard is the lack of physical activities, most
children
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 prefer to play computer games
together with
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 chat on the internet
instead
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 of participating in sports or playing outside.
This
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 inactive lifestyle reduces physical mobility and leads to fat being deposited in their bodies.
Nevertheless
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, solving
this
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 problem is extremely practical and accessible as well,
parents
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 should spend some time preparing delicious, healthy
meals
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 that provide a sufficient amount of protein, fibre and omega-3,
along with
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 vitamin D3.
For instance
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, it has been shown that in India mothers play a crucial role in
minors
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'
overall
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health
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 development, they usually cook all three
meals
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 on a daily basis for their kids, which harnesses a high level of
health
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 benefits and suppresses the tendency to be overweight. Despite
this
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, authorities should make students aware through schools about various outdoor sports combined with their
health
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 benefits, integrating
minors
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 in
such
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 activities improves their understanding of different body functions, which helps youngsters stay slim and fit. In light of the above pointers, the main culprit behind
children
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's
obesity
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 is their unhealthy eating habits in conjunction with a sedentary lifestyle.
However
Linking Words
, a combined approach by
parents
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 and the government through physical awareness programs and healthy meal preparation for
minors
Use synonyms
 can easily enhance
health
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 benefits.

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coherence and cohesion
While the essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, ensure that each paragraph consistently supports the main argument. Strengthening the connection between the ideas will also enhance readability.
task achievement
Make sure to provide a range of relevant examples throughout the essay to reinforce your points. Incorporating a few more specific examples could lead to a more compelling argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, showing strong engagement with the topic and a logical flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction effectively introduces the topic and purpose of the essay, clearly setting up the subsequent arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • nutritional value
  • physical education
  • healthy eating habits
  • screen time
  • advertising influence
  • socioeconomic status
  • dietary choices
  • healthy lifestyle
  • early intervention
  • community programs
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
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