IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree?

It is suggested that the
prevention
Use synonyms
 of
health
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 problems is more vital than medical intervention, and governments should take it into consideration when allocating
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
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. I partially agree with the provided statement because
Use synonyms
prevention
Correct article usage
the prevention
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 of diseases can be effective in some cases because promoting
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 lifestyle can really decrease
the
Correct article usage
apply
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illness rates,
however
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, some
illnesses
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 can progress in a very short period of time
besides
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 being hidden, so the
prevention
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 becomes inefficient. The primary reason why I support the idea is that
prevention
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 of
health
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 problems can significantly reduce potential risks of
health
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 deterioration and the emergence of
illnesses
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. In that case, when setting their policies, governments should reflect that in their funding to use sources powerfully. A large number of preventable diseases occur
due to
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sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle, unhealthy nutrition
as well as
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 stress. So if these factors get precluded or at least minimised by fostering healthy habits and boosting
health
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 awareness initiatives by government bodies, positive results can be achieved.
For example
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, walking outside for 1 hour significantly reduces stress which can lead both to physical and mental disorders. Whilst
prevention
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 is important, sometimes, it can be unsuccessful. Being severe, some kinds of
illnesses
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 cannot be prevented because of the lack of knowledge, practice and treatment methods. They can progress hiddenly and a person would not feel any serious pain; an individual will be unaware of the process going on in his or her organism. In that case,
prevention
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 cannot help much,
while
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 detection and diagnosis can cure them.
For instance
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, cancer is not preventable, but it can be cured if intervention is done in the true time.
To conclude
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, many think that governments should allocate more funding for
health
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prevention
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, rather than treatment. I partially agree with that idea as not all
illnesses
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 are easy to prevent or they need progressive treatment
instead
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 of
prevention
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.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating more on the counterarguments to strengthen your position. Expanding on how certain illnesses may not be preventable or how treatment options can be essential would provide a more balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the flow between paragraphs for smoother transitions. Make sure to use linking words to connect your ideas more effectively, which can help in making your argument clearer.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are completely supported by relevant examples. While you have included examples, further detail could enhance your argument and demonstrate deeper understanding of the topic.
structure
Your introduction clearly outlines your position on the issue, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument.
support
The examples provided, particularly the one about walking reducing stress, are relevant and help illustrate your points about health prevention.
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