IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Government investment in art, such as music and theater is a waste of money. Government must invest in pubic services instead. Do you agree or disagree?

There is an ongoing debate regarding that, the regime funding in arts, something like music and theatre is a misspend of money.
While
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 they must invest in public administration in lieu. I disagree with
this
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 notion which I will discuss in
further
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 paragraphs and give my opinion.
To begin
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 with, nowadays music and acting school are the most successful sectors to earn money for every individual. To explicate, film and music companies are earning Billions of Dollars and
this
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 helps to
government
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 to collect a huge amount of
tax
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 through which they make the infrastructure of the country better.
Also
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, it will be beneficial for all the citizens where they will have a lot of options for jobs.
For example
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, a survey conducted in 2024 that, the Indian
government
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 are able to provide 1 million jobs after applying a
tax
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 on Bollywood.
Thus
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,
this
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tax
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 amount helps the society to build a better infrastructure.
On the other hand
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, there is an argument that
,
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apply
show examples
 the
government
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 must invest in the public sector.
However
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,
this
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 is more of an investment and the outcomes are either good or bad. To explain, funding money in one sector and leaving the others could be risky.
Whereas
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, the
government
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 should be responsible for taking care of every individual in the country.
For instance
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, an article on the BBC claims that
,
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apply
show examples
 the
government
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 of India play a vital role in the World economy.
Moreover
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, they are investing which is in demand in the location.
To conclude
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, investing only in public services can be a risky step.
However
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, in-demand sectors are entertainment which people like
also
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, it helps the
government
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 to collect a good amount of
tax
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.

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task achievement
Clarify your thesis statement to make it more direct and unambiguous. For instance, explicitly state your position in the introduction without using phrases like 'which I will discuss.'
coherence and cohesion
Try to include more varied linking words and phrases in your paragraphs to improve the flow and clarity of your ideas. For example, instead of starting some sentences with 'However', consider 'On the contrary' or 'Alternatively'.
task achievement
Expand on your examples for better clarity. In the first body paragraph, explain how the tax collected is precisely used for public services and infrastructure. This would support your argument more clearly.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear disagreement with the statement, demonstrating a strong opinion on the topic.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples and statistics, which is a good way to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical flow, making it relatively easy to follow your ideas despite some structural issues.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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