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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

There is no denying the fact that in many cultures, kids are usually told that they can achieve anything they want if they try and work very hard.
This
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 essay will analyze the advantages and the disadvantages of giving
children
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this
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 message. There are many advantages that
children
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 may have when the message "You can achieve anything if you try and work hard" is said to them.
This
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 may include that the
child
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 will try to do his or her best in making or doing something.
In addition
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 to that, a
child
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 will be more ambitious and he or she will never say "I can not do it and it is impossible".
In addition
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 to that, it gives the
child
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a
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the
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 passion and energy to gain what he or she wants.
For example
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, a 5-years-old boy wants to participate in a mathematics competition, but he is not so good at math, when his
parents
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 say to him" You can do it , just you have to work hard" , he will trust his
parents
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 and always try to do all his best to win the math competition.
On the other hand
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, saying that to
children
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 may have a negative impact on them, especially if they try hard and do not achieve what they want, so they may get disappointed.
For example
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, if the same
child
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 works and studies math very hard, but in a competition, he does not do very well and does not win, he will feel disappointed in his
parents
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, and he might think that they are lying to him.
As a result
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, he might not trust his
parents
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 in the future . In conclusion, saying to
children
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 that they can achieve anything by working and trying so hard, have positive and negative effects on them. These effects may lead to huge problems or great results.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider providing a clearer structure to your essay by using paragraphs effectively, such as separating advantages and disadvantages into distinct sections with topic sentences.
task achievement
Try to better develop your ideas by adding more explanations or elaboration on how the message impacts children in different scenarios.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are varied and clear to make your points more compelling, perhaps by including additional contexts or situations beyond the same child example.
positive
You have a clear introduction that outlines the purpose of the essay, which helps to set the stage for your argument.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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