IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The ongoing debate regarding the impact of violence in TV shows and video games on individuals has been debated for years.
While
Linking Words
 some say
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 exposure to
such
Linking Words
content
Use synonyms
 encourages violent tendencies and contributes to aggressive behaviour in real life, others argue that it is a matter
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 individual interpretation. I believe there are a few drawbacks which will be discussed in
this
Linking Words
 essay. First of all, there is a confirmed correlation between exposure to brutality in TV and computer games, especially among young
people
Use synonyms
 and children. The research suggests that sometimes
such
Linking Words
content
Use synonyms
 blurs lines between fantasy and reality and
as a result
Linking Words
, there are well-known cases of mass shootings in schools and public places done by
people
Use synonyms
 with
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
unstable mental health.
Therefore
Linking Words
, brutal
content
Use synonyms
 is highly likely to impact empathy towards others in a negative way. Individuals might become less sensitive to the results of their own actions, which normalises violence.
Secondly
Linking Words
, aggressiveness online potentially increases
such
Linking Words
 emotions as fear and anxiety.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 become more stressed and the possibility of taking it out on others goes up.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 prevents
from
Correct pronoun usage
us from
show examples
 fostering a peaceful society and I believe
this
Linking Words
 is a problem that needs to be addressed.
To conclude
Linking Words
 even though there is an opinion that broadcasted aggressiveness might be a release for naturally violent individuals, I believe the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
Therefore
Linking Words
 I support the idea of responsible consumption and limited hours when
people
Use synonyms
 are exposed to
such
Linking Words
content
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it is crucial to acknowledge the effects are complex and violence on TV is just one of many factors.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Aim to include more specific examples and data to support your arguments, as this can enhance the persuasive power of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Maintain your strong organizational structure, but consider varying your transitional phrases to enhance readability and flow.
coherence cohesion
You've effectively introduced and concluded your essay, providing a clear stance on the topic, which enhances the coherence of your writing.
task achievement
Your essay displays a comprehensive coverage of the topic, presenting a nuanced view that reflects good understanding.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: