IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together

Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
music
Use synonyms
 can gather
people
Use synonyms
 from different
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
 and can break the boundaries of age. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion and believe that
music
Use synonyms
 can bring
people
Use synonyms
 together. On the one hand, nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 all around the world face a lot of pressure, no matter what age they are. Individuals experience
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress from colleagues in the workplace, peers in social
setting
Fix the agreement mistake
settings
show examples
 or even from family expectations.
For example
Linking Words
, I once attended a gathering
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
held by my company to
celebrated
Wrong verb form
celebrate
show examples
 we finished a complicated project. The event was meant to help us relax and relieve stress after weeks of hard work. Our foreign clients were
also
Linking Words
 invited.
Although
Linking Words
 we come from different nations and in
difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
 ages, and speak different languages.
However
Linking Words
,
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 that night,
music
Use synonyms
 is our common language that connects us all.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I believe that
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 preference
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 has nothing to do with gender or race. I
personally
Add a missing verb
am personally
show examples
 obsessed with Korean-pop
music
Use synonyms
. I
go
Wrong verb form
have gone
show examples
 to Korea
for attending
Change preposition
to attend
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concerts several times.
As a result
Linking Words
, I make a lot of friends from all over the world. Some of us become close
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and will travel together even if it is not for a concert. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is
music
Use synonyms
 that
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 us together. In conclusion, in my opinion,
music
Use synonyms
 can truly unite
people
Use synonyms
 no matter where the
people
Use synonyms
 come from or what age they are. The love of
music
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 beyond these boundaries.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider refining your topic sentences to clearly indicate the main point of each paragraph. This will help guide the reader better.
task achievement
Make sure to use specific examples that directly support your points. This strengthens your arguments and provides clarity.
language
Watch for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, especially in your tenses and agreement. Proofreading can help refine your writing.
task achievement
You presented a clear opinion and organized your ideas into relevant paragraphs.
task achievement
You provide a personal anecdote which adds to the strength of your argument about music's unifying effects.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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