IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is more important for student to learn about local history than world history, To what extend do you agree or disagree. (DUC)

In the modern era, many believe that schoolchildren should focus on local
history
Use synonyms
 rather than
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
, as it nurtures a deep sense of identity and cultural pride. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective, arguing that understanding one’s own heritage lays a critical foundation for personal development, a principle well-illustrated by the educational approach in Vietnam. First of all, local
history
Use synonyms
 enables children to connect with their community’s past, fostering
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of patriotism and responsibility that
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 may not replicate as effectively. In Vietnam, the
education
Use synonyms
 system dedicates significant time to national and regional narratives,
such
Linking Words
 as the Trung Sisters’ rebellion against Chinese domination in 40 AD and the triumphant Dien Bien Phu victory in 1954, which ended French colonial rule. These lessons highlight resilience, unity, and independence values that resonate with students’ daily lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, learning about local heroes inspires young learners to value their heritage and contribute to society. As a student in local
education
Use synonyms
, they had chances to visit relics like war zones or temples that
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
show examples
knowledge
Correct pronoun usage
their knowledge
show examples
 and perception
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 traditional
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 offers valuable insights into global events,
such
Linking Words
 as the Industrial Revolution’s technological advances or the geopolitical shifts of
World
Use synonyms
 War II. It may overwhelm young minds with its complexity and distance.
For example
Linking Words
, understanding how these events influenced Vietnam could enrich perspectives later, but its relevance pales compared to the immediacy of local stories.
Thus
Linking Words
, prioritizing local
history
Use synonyms
 in early
education
Use synonyms
 allows children to develop a solid identity before exploring broader narratives. In conclusion, I support the prioritization of local
history
Use synonyms
 in schools, as seen in Vietnam’s focus on its milestones, which cultivates cultural identity and values.
While
Linking Words
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 is beneficial for global awareness, integrating it later ensures a balanced
education
Use synonyms
 that starts with the local context.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or case studies that further illustrate your points on how local history impacts identity and responsibility in children.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all sentences are clearly connected. Sometimes, the flow between ideas can be improved to enhance readability.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and outlines the focus of the essay, which sets a strong foundation for your argument.
task achievement
You effectively use relevant examples from Vietnam's history, which adds authenticity and depth to your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: