IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging population creates a problem for governments. Other people think they are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?

It is thought by some
people
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 that an increase in the number of elderly
people
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 among the
population
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 causes a lot of problems for the governments. Meanwhile, others believe an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 has some advantages and can even improve the economic situation, as elderly
people
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 can stay longer in their workplaces and do high-quality work. I agree to some extent that older
people
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 contribute to the development of countries, in which they live, but expenses on the healthcare system can outnumber all benefits.
To begin
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 with, most
people
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 aged 65 and older are professionals, who have spent decades at work and know everything about these particular occupations.
Therefore
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, potentially they can go on working and pay taxes to fund the budget.
Moreover
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, these individuals can share their knowledge with new generations and train professionals in their fields. In
this
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 case, an ageing
population
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 creates a lot of advantages for society and for the development of the national economy.
On the other hand
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, it is undeniable that elderly
people
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 have a weaker immune system and are more prone to different diseases.
For example
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, when I was working in the hospital, approximately 70% of my patients were elderly
people
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.
Thus
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, the governments should invest much more in the healthcare system to keep up the health of
this
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 vulnerable group of the
population
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.
Additionally
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, taking into consideration that these
people
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 are supposed to take sick leave more often, it can turn into a real issue for the governments. In conclusion,
although
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 I accept the idea that elderly
people
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 contribute to a country's development, I believe that the cons of having an ageing
population
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 outweigh the pros.
This
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 is because when older
people
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 are sick they not only stop earning money but
also
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 spend the national budget on treatment.

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coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. However, try to include more clear links between paragraphs to improve flow. You can use linking words like 'furthermore' or 'however'.
task achievement
Make sure to fully develop your points with more examples or explanations. This will strengthen your arguments and provide better evidence.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument. This is a good approach for such topics.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main ideas well, which is important in a good essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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