IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports. Do you agree or disagree?

In
this
Linking Words
 technology era,
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
show examples
 of electronic gadgets
such
Linking Words
 as
computers
Use synonyms
 and smartphones is increasing rapidly.
Children
Use synonyms
 are totally dependent on these devices. Encouraging them to do outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 will be a better option. I
totaaly
Correct your spelling
totally
 agree with
this
Linking Words
 point and will discuss
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 the following essay.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, by playing video
games
Use synonyms
 on laptops and
computers
Use synonyms
kids
Use synonyms
 are becoming
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
. To elaborate,
while
Linking Words
 playing
games
Use synonyms
 on
computers
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of doing physical
activities
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 start thinking that they are shy from other people.
This
Linking Words
 makes them
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
 and
this
Linking Words
 is not a good development.
For example
Linking Words
,
Survey
Correct article usage
a Survey
show examples
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
conducted by some medical students,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
shows that more than 40% of
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation have
fear
Correct article usage
a fear
show examples
to speak
Change preposition
of speaking
show examples
 in public.
However
Linking Words
,Parents can stop
this
Linking Words
 trend,
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 making efforts to teach their
kids
Use synonyms
 about outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
. Several fun
games
Use synonyms
 can be introduced to
children
Use synonyms
 in starting to build their interest. Once they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 learning
games
Use synonyms
 they will indulge in other
activities
Use synonyms
 without any difficulties.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, using phones for long
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 of time can affect
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of
teeagers
Correct your spelling
teenagers
. There are several
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
 issues caused by using
electronics
Replace the word
electronic
show examples
 gadgets.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it
effect
Verb problem
affects
show examples
eyesight
Correct article usage
the eyesight
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 and
this
Linking Words
 can result in blindness in future. Many
children
Use synonyms
 in their early twenties start getting headaches or migraines.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to serious mental problems.
By introducing
Change preposition
Introducing
show examples
 interesting
activities
Use synonyms
 can help to reduce screen time.
For instance
Linking Words
 , parents can give more time to their
kids
Use synonyms
 and take them to
playground
Fix the agreement mistake
playgrounds
show examples
 or
park
Fix the agreement mistake
parks
show examples
 where
children
Use synonyms
 can
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
explore to world.
This
Linking Words
 can help them to learn about the importance of physical
activities
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, there are various disadvantages of
usaging
Correct your spelling
using
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and
computers
Use synonyms
.
Young
Add an article
The young
show examples
 generation is
getting
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 dependent on these devices.
Whereas
Linking Words
, by making some efforts parents can indulge their
kids
Use synonyms
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 physical
activities
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can help
kids
Use synonyms
 to build their interest in playing
games
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the structure of your essay. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports your argument. Use linking words to connect your ideas better.
task response
Make your introduction stronger by clearly stating your main points. It's also important to summarize those points in your conclusion.
task response
Provide more specific examples and details to support your ideas. This will make your arguments stronger and clearer.
task response
You have a clear opinion and you express it well. This shows your understanding of the topic.
task response
You raised important points about the negative effects of technology on children, which is relevant to the topic.
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