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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

At the present time, the population of some countries include relatively a large number of young adult, compared with the number of older person. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Currently, the
population
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 of some nations include a larger proportion of
youths
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 compared to the proportion of senior citizens.
This
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 essay will argue that
although
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 there is a financial strain on the government with the need to fund education, train the younger generation and a gap in mentorship, the benefits of
this
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 situation are more numerous than the drawbacks because younger
people
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 in
society
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 lead to economic growth and less pressure on healthcare and social
services
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.
Firstly
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, the main reason why it is disadvantageous to have more young
people
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 in
society
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 compared to old
people
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 is that
this
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 puts a lot of demand on governments to allocate funds to the educational sector with the aim of improving educational
services
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 in order to teach and train
youths
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 adequately so they graduate and have well-paying jobs.
In addition
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, having fewer older
people
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 with experience in
workforce
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the workforce
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 creates a gap in mentorship and guidance for younger colleagues.
For instance
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,
according to
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 reports, in South Africa, there are fewer mentorship opportunities for the younger workforce because of fewer colleagues with expertise. I believe that
,
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apply
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 having more
youths
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 in
society
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 boosts the economy of a country which in turn helps with effective nation-building.
Secondly
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, one of the merits of having a
population
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 largely dominated by youth is that it contributes to increased productivity and innovation.
This
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 is because the younger generation embraces technology and starts new businesses which leads to more job creation. Thereby, enhancing effective nation-building.
Furthermore
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, in a
population
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 demographic where there are more
youths
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 , there is less pressure on governments to maintain and manage
services
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 like healthcare and social
services
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 compared to the older generation who require more care and support.
For example
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, the Government of Nigeria
,
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apply
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 focuses more on other public
services
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 apart from social
services
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 because of the demographic of the
population
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 which consists of more adolescents than older
people
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. For these reasons, I believe that the positives of
this
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 circumstance far outnumber the negatives. In conclusion,
while
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 money spent on social and healthcare
services
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 by governments is reduced because of a larger
population
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 of
youths
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 in
society
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, it is important to note that the economy of a nation with more young
people
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 has a dynamic labour force that spurs the growth of a nation and allows them to compete globally.

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task achievement
Make sure to include a few more specific examples to support your points fully.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly with linking words.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the main ideas of the essay.
task achievement
Good use of examples to support your argument about economic growth.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • population
  • young adults
  • older persons
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • economic growth
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • businesses
  • technology
  • job creation
  • dynamic
  • labor force
  • compete
  • globally
  • health care
  • social services
  • manageable
  • pressure
  • enough jobs
  • frustration
  • social unrest
  • education
  • training
  • government resources
  • jobs
  • graduates
  • experienced
  • workforce
  • mentorship
  • guidance
  • employees
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