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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Most morden families have both parents working and as a result children spend less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What is the solution?

Nowadays both mother and father can be involved in financially supporting their family and
as a result
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,
children
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 can have a deficit of
parents
Use synonyms
's attention.
This
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 essay will explore what reasons behind it including the absence of their own housing and gender equality, and will suggest possible solutions as government support. The necessity of working for both
parents
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 is mostly based on a limit of financial ability. The vast majority of young people do not have their own house before the birth of a child. So they have to spend money not only on expensive goods for
children
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 on monthly rent.
In addition
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, there is the trend which popularizes the figure of a working woman, so that young mothers desire to continue growing in their career
instead
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 of child care.
As a result
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, both the lack of money on base needs and the normalisation of a businesswoman cause staying
children
Use synonyms
 alone. These challenges can be eliminated mostly by government support.
For example
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, in the case of
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of housing, heads of every city should suggest special benefits regarding a mortgage for young families.
Additionally
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, it is necessary to return to society the classic family model where one of the
parents
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 takes care
Use synonyms
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
, but the other works. It can be achieved through propaganda
such
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 as social advertising sponsored by coffers. In conclusion,
although
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parents
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 sometimes can face financial problems, it should not be the normal practice to prefer a job
instead
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 of
children
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. The government of every country should provide social benefits for families having difficulties and
moreover
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, they should educate women to be
a
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apply
show examples
responsible mothers.
Such
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 decisions are necessary to avoid mental problems
due to
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 alone childhood.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly connects to the main topic and is logically structured. Use clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Include more relevant examples to support your ideas. This strengthens your argument.
task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
The essay addresses a relevant and timely topic.
task achievement
The proposed solutions are relevant to the issues raised.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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