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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs. to what extent do you have or disagree?

There exists a
widely-hold
Correct your spelling
widely held
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 perspective that should add voluntary social extracurriculars to the syllabus of high schools as a mandatory program.
While
Linking Words
 the proposal seems rational, from my vantage point, it can be beneficial the time of which student academic performance is not deteriorated.
Proponent
Fix the agreement mistake
Proponents
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 of unrewarded social projects cite these programs promote skills
such
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 as critical thinking, contributing to profound thought in challenges,
leading
Correct word choice
and leading
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 to self-confidence and advancement.
In addition
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, providing remarkable opportunities to experience new responsibilities that bring about shape powerful character with high self-esteem. As an example, they learn about
Add an article
a mid
the mid
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mid map
Add a hyphen
mid-map
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Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is
a
Change the article
the
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 best tool for drawing a
strategical
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strategic
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 scheme.
Furthermore
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, supporting
from
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apply
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less
privilege
Replace the word
privileged
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 students by serving classes to enhance their academic level, in fact, acting as a step-stone.
For example
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, in Iran
exists
Verb problem
apply
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mosques, taking place grant educational occasions for the ones who
living
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live
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 under the poverty line.
Thus
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, the positive impacts of these actions lead to
attract
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attracting
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 more individuals and
also
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 advancement in both
social
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society
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 and students.
While
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 these years of academy play a significant role in the fate of pupils, some challenges
such
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 as mismanagement,
leading
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lead
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 to
time wasting
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time-wasting
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 and mental issues,
ending
Wrong verb form
end
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 up in serious health problems
such
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 as stress and depression. As an example,
institution
Correct article usage
an institution
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 in one country
abuse
Correct subject-verb agreement
abuses
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 students for political
intention
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intentions
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 like repressing protesters of
government
Correct article usage
the government
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, fostering violence through them.
On the other hand
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, parents with permanent concern about their
children
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children's
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 future are opposite with any extracurricular because of carelessness that leads to academic failure.
Therefore
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, negative
consequence
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consequences
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 of these activities should
consider
Wrong verb form
be considered
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 as a crucial point for avoiding
from
Change preposition
apply
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any potential harm that threat
future
Correct article usage
the future
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 of
child
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the child
a child
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. In conclusion,
while
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 these measures foster personal growth and promote management skills, they need tactful plans, preserving from deterioration effects, reducing
importance
Add an article
the importance
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 of voluntary activities.

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task achievement
Make sure your ideas are clear and focused on the main topic.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear connections between your ideas to help the reader follow your thoughts.
task achievement
Provide clear examples to support your points, making them easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
There are some good examples used, such as the mosque in Iran, to illustrate points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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