IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

*The dangers and complexities of the modern world have made the mobile phone an absolute necessity for children* *To what extent do you agree or disagree?* Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge

The is no denying the fact that technology plays a crucial our lives.
While
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 it is commonly held to believe that spending on a mobile phone has many risks for
kids
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 ,there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that mobile their hand babies are a danger to their lives because mobiles reduce the focus on virtual reality .
To begin
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, all families must reduce their spend on mobile to save their lives , and
kids
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.
Moreover
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, the first years for
kids
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 are crucial, building their personality and interests because almost all children learn from their parents.
In addition
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, technology has become popular at current, compared to ten years ago it was significantly less the phones.
For example
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 , a study carried stump up in 2023 showed that children's intelligence depends on hand games and reduced use of their phones. Another point to consider is dealing with children's needs and passions and learning them at a look, causing them to learn fast. It is
also
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 possible to say that, if the parents will teach their
kids
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 how to read,
for instance
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, their kid's reading , must be read by the initial family.
On the other hand
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, considering the
kids
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 are smart, they learn in the app.
For instance
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 , researchers found that 99 per cent of babies become copies of their families. In conclusion, despite people having different views , I believe that
kids
Use synonyms
 are a blessing, must be taken care of and the youth of the future .

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task achievement
Your ideas are not very clear and need more development. Make sure each point is fully explained.
coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your thoughts better. Each paragraph should have one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Check your grammar and word choice. Some sentences are difficult to understand.
idea
You have a good topic and a relevant viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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