IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The promoters of social media claim that they are connecting people and enabling people to share like never before. While critics claim that social media site often impinges up on one's privacy. Discuss both the views and give your opinion

The advent of social
media
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 has been very interesting since it removes the distance between users to stay connected everywhere they are.
People
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 can update their
life
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lives
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 through posts in
story
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stories
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, photos, or videos
,
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apply
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 so that their family or relatives feel close.
However
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, some disadvantages arise since the users’
data
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 from social
media
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 could
be use
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be used
show examples
 by others without consent. I agree that social
media
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 is a breakthrough
to communicate
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for communicating
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 and
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
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relationship
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relationships
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,
however
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, some restrictions and regulations should be concerned to secure users’ privacy.
First,
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many positive developments
toward
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in
show examples
people
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's
relationship
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relationships
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, either personal or
work-life
Correct your spelling
work life
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, have been shown by the existence of social
media
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. It
help
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helps
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 families to stay in touch easily even separated by distance.
Also
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, it can support
people
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 in finding new friends, opportunities, and information,
such
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 as
job
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jobs
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, markets, or even life hacks.
Moreover
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, the availability of social
media
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raise
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raises
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people
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's awareness
to
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of
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 the world's condition,
such
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 as war, conflicts, or global phenomena. It removes boundaries between humans to share almost anything.
On the other hand
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, having
social
Correct article usage
a social
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media
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 account means a person has to face
a
Correct article usage
the
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 fact that the individual’s privacy might be shared. When using social
media
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, the algorithm of the platform will analyze a person’s scrolling path.
For instance
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, when we keep on looking for used car advertisement posts, the platform algorithm will continuously provide us with
the
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apply
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similar feeds.
This
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maybe
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may
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 not
a
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be a
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crucial issue.
However
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, when signing up for an account, users will fill
some
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in some
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 privacy
data
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,
such
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 as age, address, and real name.
That users’
Correct determiner usage
Users’
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data
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 might be
be
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apply
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hacked by
malcious
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malicious
 actors for
crime
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crimes
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such
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 as falsification.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, there was
a
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apply
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website piracy by
a
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apply
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hackers
and
Correct word choice
which
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 led to around 100 million users’
data
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leaked
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being leaked
show examples
 to open public and the problem staggered to a national level. In conclusion, I believe that social
media
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 has many significant advantages.
However
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, to avoid
data
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 piracy, some steps might be required to implement. Using an
advance
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advanced
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 website security
systems
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system
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 when developing the platforms, or from users' perspectives, frequently changing
password
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passwords
show examples
 might help to secure their accounts.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction gives a clear overview of the main points you will discuss. This helps the reader know what to expect.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to link your ideas more clearly between paragraphs. Using words like 'firstly,' 'meanwhile,' or 'however' can help connect your thoughts.
Task Achievement
When discussing the negative impact of social media, provide more specific examples to support your ideas. This will make your argument stronger.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes your main points clearly. It should reflect the discussion in the essay.
Task Achievement
You provided a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of social media. This shows good understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
You included relevant examples, such as the data breach in Indonesia, which adds real-life context to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • connect
  • share
  • people
  • privacy
  • life
  • updates
  • photos
  • videos
  • interests
  • communities
  • support
  • harm
  • information
  • consent
  • data
  • problems
  • cyberbullying
  • harassment
  • fear
  • anxiety
  • superficial
  • lonely
  • online
  • opinion
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