IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness’. Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

I strongly believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is helpful in most scenarios, including good growth in
life
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 and taking care of your loved ones, but not in every scenario like maintaining good health On the one hand, a good number of people believe that happiness depends on how much
money
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 we have. It's true that, in every phase of
life
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, we need
money
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 to live comfortably. I
also
Linking Words
 agree that we need
money
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 to get our affairs right. At
first,
Linking Words
money
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 is required to get admission
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a reputed school/college to achieve a good education, to grow and succeed in
life
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if we plan to study more
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
 the dream job,
then
Linking Words
 a good university and the desired course would
also
Linking Words
 cost substantially.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
money
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 is needed to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 all our wishes
along with
Linking Words
 our
parents'
Correct your spelling
parents
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, as when we grow old, there are a lot of responsibilities that need to be taken care of, including our personal family expenses and
Correct pronoun usage
our parents
show examples
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 medication costs.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people believe that
money
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 cannot buy happiness. The meaning of happiness in
this
Linking Words
 famous quote is, the real riches of
life
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, including satisfaction in
life
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, good health, and mental condition, loving family and supportive children, etc.
However
Linking Words
, the people who are happy and satisfied in their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 don't need extra
money
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, as they are satisfied with the current condition of
life
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 and enjoying it to the fullest, rather than working to earn more
money
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 and penny-pinching. I believe that every individual should focus on achieving a stage of
life
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 where they are not actively chasing
money
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, earning
money
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 is a vital part of human
life
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.
However
Linking Words
, one
also
Linking Words
 needs to understand the real riches of
life
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
, maintaining good health, giving time to your loved ones, and working systematically and managing time effectively.

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task achievement
Make sure to add a clear thesis statement in the introduction. It helps guide the reader through your main argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to improve the flow between ideas. Phrases like 'for example,' or 'on the other hand' can help the reader follow your logic better.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your arguments. This strengthens your points and makes your essay more convincing.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which is a strong point.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with separate paragraphs for each point, making it easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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