IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

These days many children spend a lot of time playing video games and many parents feel this is very negative. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #video #games #parents
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One of the most significant issues today relates to the fact that
children
 spend too many hours enjoying
video
games
 and a majority of parents regard
this
 negatively. In
this
 essay, I elaborate on the reasons why I partially agree with that statement.   The main reason why I strongly believe that spending excessive time playing
video
games
 is disadvantageous to
children
 is that it weakens their physical strength. When they play
video
games
instead
 of playing outside, they will lose opportunities to improve their physical strength.
As a result
, they will be resilient against infectious diseases and be predisposed to certain diseases. Another justification is that spending hours in front of a TV set or a computer to play
games
deter
Correct subject-verb agreement
deters
show examples
 the development of their communication skills. Since they are staring at the screen
while
 enjoying a
video
 game, they do not pay attention to nonverbal
communications
Fix the agreement mistake
communication
show examples
such
 as facial expressions.
Consequently
,
although
 they can understand short and precise commands
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their parents, they will have difficulty presuming how others feel without words.
On the other hand
, I suppose that there is one possible advantage of playing
video
games
 for hours. To accomplish better results,
children
 repeatedly train
moving
Change the verb form
to move
show examples
 their fingers more precisely.
This
 allows them to improve their hand skills, and they are likely to be proficient in performing surgeries,
for example
. In conclusion, these days, many parents
worries
Change the verb form
worry
show examples
 that their
children
 spend too much time on
video
games
. I am inclined to support their anxieties from the viewpoint of the negative impacts on their health and communication skills. One positive consequence is,
however
, that they will obtain elaborate hand movements.
Submitted by takuya13sugimoto on

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coherence cohesion
Overall structure: While your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, it could benefit from smoothing transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow.
task achievement
Main points support: Although your main points are generally well-supported, providing a few more specific and diverse examples in each paragraph could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Technological aspect: In addition to hand skills, adding an example from a non-technical field will showcase a broader perspective on the issue.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states your stance and sets the stage for the essay.
supported main points
Good explanation of the negative impacts of excessive video game play on physical health and communication skills.
complete response
You have provided a balanced view by mentioning the potential benefits of playing video games, which enriches the depth of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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