IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In
this
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 technological era,
children
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 seem addicted to their
smartphones
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, which interfere with their daily routines. In my opinion,
this
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 causes detrimental effects on
children
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 for several reasons.
Firstly
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, the excessive use of
smartphones
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 can cause health problems,
such
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 as obesity and short-sightedness. In many urban cities, parents provide their
children
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 with the latest gadgets, leading to a more sedentary lifestyle and less outdoor activity.
This
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 is because
children
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 feel comfortable using their gadgets to do all of their activities,
such
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 as ordering food and watching movies.
As a result
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, they will gain weight because they refuse to engage in outdoor activities.
Furthermore
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, a high amount of excessive screen time can damage their eyes, resulting in eye strain.
For example
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, it has become prevalent that
children
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 in elementary schools already wear glasses.
Although
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 parents have provided cutting-edge
smartphones
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, failing to limit their screen time will result in severe consequences for their health.
Secondly
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, addiction to
smartphones
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 can affect their personal development. Many
children
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 refuse to go outside and socialize with others. If
this
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 situation continues, they will become introverted people, damaging their communication skills. It is important for
children
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 to interact with friends of their own age because they need to learn how to build good communication and strengthen
the
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their
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 bonds with their friends.
This
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 is because one of the indicators that people succeed in their careers is having good communication skills;
thus
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, these skills have to be taught to
children
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 at a young age. In conclusion, overreliance on
smartphones
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 can bring negative impacts to
children
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, including health and personal growth. By monitoring
children
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's daily routines, parents can alleviate the consequences, and
children
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 will have a better future.

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task achievement
Make sure to explain all your main points clearly and deeply. Try to include more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Make your introduction and conclusion a bit stronger; they should clearly state your main argument.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about smartphone use among children. This helps your essay have a strong message.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant and show a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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