IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In this technological personal information of all kinds is held on computer by different companies and organization in many countries. Do the advantages of this development out weigh the disadvantages?

There is no denying the fact that in many countries personal
information
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 of all kinds is held by computers from different companies and organizations,
this
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 essay will discuss the
advantages
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 and
disadvantages
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To begin
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 with , there are many
advantages
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 to
information
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 held by companies and organizations.
Firstly
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, it can keep personal
data
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 very secure ,
in other words
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 , they have more protection on it as if they have been held by a regular company or person which
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 less protection
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
data
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,
in addition
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, it can
also
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 help deduct the criminal's
information
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 as they are storage to their computer ,
for example
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 , the police can request the
information
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 or personal
data
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 to catch the criminal faster and maybe they have his home details stored there. In terms of the
disadvantages
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, it contains a high risk of saving the
data
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 on the computer ,
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
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 people say it can get hacked and leak their personal
information
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 to the public,
moreover
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,some of the people working there can use it to blackmail them ,
for instance
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, some of the
information
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 contains a secret and talk to the person to give me some money or
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will leak the
information
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 about him. In conclusion, there are many
advantages
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 to all
data
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 being kept on the computer and secure as they are very safe , it is
also
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 true that there are
disadvantages
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 of leaking
data
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 , but I strongly believe that the
advantages
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 outweigh the
disadvantages
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction. This helps the reader understand your main argument better.
coherence cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas more smoothly. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'on the other hand', and 'in conclusion' to guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or explanations for your points. This will make your arguments stronger and clearer.
task achievement
You clearly recognized both advantages and disadvantages of personal information being stored on computers.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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