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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The rise of digital technology has led to a significant increase in mental health issues among young people. What are the main causes of this problem, and what solutions could be to address it?

The increase
of
Change preposition
in
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 mental health
problems
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 among young generations nowadays is because of the development of digital
technology
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.
Correct your spelling
This
this
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 essay seeks to explore the primary reasons behind
this
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 and propose viable solutions to mitigate
this
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 issue.
To begin
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 with , mental health issues have many reasons but
technology
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 is a primary one . Many young people who
uses
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use
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 mobile phones suffer from mental
problems
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 because the majority
get
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are
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 influenced by others who share their
problems
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 and feelings . Young people when they watch or read others talking about their
problems
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 ,they think “
oh
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Oh
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,
i
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I
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 feel the same as them” .
Moreover
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, if they
did
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do
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 not go out and face
the
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apply
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reality and have their own life experiences they will drown in their thoughts .
For example
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, my little sister is suffering from a mental health problem because she was following a girl on social media ,who was suffering from depression, she was talking about her experiences and feelings ,
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as
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and as
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 a result,
my
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I
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 started to think the same as that girl until she
also
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 got diagnosed with depression.
Nevertheless
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,there exist various solutions to address
this
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 critical issue .
For instance
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 , going out with friends and talking to them ,
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can mitigate anxiety and stress .
Furthermore
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, setting a time screen so that you cannot
use
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 your smart device excessively .the beneficial
use
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 of
technology
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decrease
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decreases
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 its
disadvantage
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disadvantages
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;
for
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instance
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instance,
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 you can start learning something that you have
passion
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a passion
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.
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for.
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 Evidence from a study conducted at Oxford University showed that students who
start
Wrong verb form
started
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 using smart devices to study got higher marks than before . In conclusion ,the way we
use
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technology
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 can affect us badly .
Therefore
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 , we have to pay attention to how we
use
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 it . Better
consumpion
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consumption
 of
technology
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 can improve us.

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coherence
Try to structure your essay with clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea. This will help your reader follow your thoughts better.
task achievement
Make sure to include clearer examples and support for your points. Explain how they relate to the problem of mental health and technology.
coherence
Improve punctuation and spacing throughout your essay. Small mistakes can make it harder to read and understand.
task achievement
You identify the main issue of mental health and technology well and provide personal examples.
task achievement
Your intention to explore causes and solutions is clear, which is a good direction for your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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