IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

There has been a common view that it is necessary for governments to monitor
transference
Correct article usage
the transference
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 for safety
while
Linking Words
 others think that it should be private for
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
. The author of
this
Linking Words
 essay firmly believes that
although
Linking Words
 access to
people
Use synonyms
's mobiles can have some benefits, keeping the privacy of individuals is more significant. The key driver of maintaining coverage of personal phones is
secrets
Correct article usage
the secrets
show examples
 of businesses.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, each company has their own formulases of success or means of working,
these
Correct word choice
and these
show examples
 are not allowed to
reveal
Wrong verb form
be revealed
show examples
 to anybody other than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 work for them. Because these are usually discussed by making phone calls, entrepreneurs would be in trouble once
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 knows what they are about to do.
For example
Linking Words
, in 2012, Pepsi experienced a downward trend in their
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
 since their top-secret documents
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
exposured
Correct your spelling
exposure
exposed
 which was about their new products.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, supervising individuals' transferring details may help agencies verify criminals.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who commit crimes, especially cybercrime, would be
soonly
Rephrase
soon
show examples
 discovered and satisfactorily punished.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can limit crime rate with stricter regulations applied on online
information
Use synonyms
 contact. For illustration, every government
all
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has their own methods of regulating members'
information
Use synonyms
 in order to ensure security, like Russia,
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
KGB is an authorized organization for policing digital space. From my perspective,
although
Linking Words
 there are considerable advantages
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 checking
people
Use synonyms
's online
information
Use synonyms
, the privacy of bodies should rather be protected.
This
Linking Words
 is because those who are authorized to manage these phone calls and messages are not actually trustworthy, no one is able to make sure that they would not utilize the
information
Use synonyms
 for illegal purposes. If
this
Linking Words
occurred
Wrong verb form
occurs
show examples
, a new concern will be raised in societies which may lead to riots and opposition. In conclusion, without
people
Use synonyms
's permission, governments should not casually collect their
information
Use synonyms
 from their phones because of
secrets
Correct article usage
the secrets
show examples
 and risks of combatting against the governments regardless
being
Change preposition
of being
show examples
 more convenient to diminish criminals.

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coherence and cohesion
The essay structure needs improvement. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and relates to the topic. Start with a clear statement, make your point, and then give examples.
task achievement
The examples used are relevant but could be better explained. Always connect your examples back to your main point to strengthen the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the clarity of ideas by using simpler sentences and clearer connections between points. Avoid complex phrases to ensure your ideas are easily understood.
task achievement
Include a more definitive opinion in your conclusion. Restate your position clearly to leave a strong impression about your belief on the issue.
task achievement
The essay presents both views on the topic, showing an understanding of the debate.
task achievement
You provide a personal opinion, which is crucial in addressing the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
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