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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In the 21st century, many women have come out of their home to become what we call working women. What are the advantages and disadvantages of women joining the workforce?

In
this
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 century, there is a growing number of
women
Use synonyms
 who enter various industries. I firmly believe that
while
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this
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 trend brings significant advantages
such
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 as boosting economic growth and promoting
gender
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 equality, it
also
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 presents challenges, particularly in balancing family responsibilities.
To begin
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 with, the increased presence of
women
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 in the workforce is a key driver of economic development.
In other words
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,
women
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 often demonstrate diligence, competence, and strong strategic thinking in business, motivated by the desire to prove their equal capability to men.
As a result
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, many industries have seen innovation and notable progress
due to
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 the contributions of talented and skilled female professionals.
This
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 development enhances productivity and raises the
overall
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 standard of living in society.
In addition
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,
women
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's participation in diverse fields can reshape public attitudes about
gender
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 roles. When
women
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 succeed in areas traditionally dominated by men, it challenges outdated stereotypes and encourages respect for
gender
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 equality—even from those who were previously sceptical. Over time,
this
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 shift helps reduce workplace discrimination and creates more inclusive and supportive environments for all employees.
However
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, one of the drawbacks of
this
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 trend is the potential decline in parental involvement at home. Traditionally,
women
Use synonyms
 have played a central role in raising and educating children. When both parents are working full-time, children may receive less direct guidance and emotional support at home. If
this
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 lack of involvement becomes widespread and is not addressed, it may contribute to behavioural problems or social challenges among younger generations, affecting long-term societal well-being. In conclusion, I believe that
women
Use synonyms
 participating in occupations traditionally held by men bring important economic and social benefits,
such
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 as increased productivity and progress toward
gender
Use synonyms
 equality.
Nevertheless
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, it is crucial to ensure that the changing structure of family life does not negatively impact children's development
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that families find ways to maintain strong parental support at home.

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task response
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, which is great. Make sure to define the key terms, like 'working women', to give more context.
task response
In your body paragraphs, try to add specific examples to support your points. This can help make your ideas clearer and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows well, and each paragraph has a clear main idea. However, use linking words like 'firstly', 'next', and 'finally' to help readers follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
You provided a good conclusion that wraps up your ideas. Consider summarizing your main points in one sentence to strengthen it further.
task response
You presented strong points about economic growth and gender equality, which are very relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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