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Band 5

Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social, and commercial pressure. What are the reasons for this? What is a solution to reduce the pressure?

A new trend has been observed where young
children
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 are struggling with
stress
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 because of
peer
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pressure
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, excessive usage of social
media
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 apps, and their need to win approval.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons for
stress
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 and provide solutions to resolve
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this problems
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this problem
these problems
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.
Firstly
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,
childrens
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children
show examples
 nowadays are using social
media
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 apps
such
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 as Instagram excessively, which
results
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 in social and commercial
pressure
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 from an affluent background often
post
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 about vacationing in exotic locations or buying
luxrious
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luxurious
 clothes, shoes or other items on their social
media
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 accounts.
Consequently
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,
children
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 observing these
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post
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posts
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are often start
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often start
show examples
 comparing themselves to their rich
peers
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. Their inability to have these
type
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types
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 of luxuries could result in
inferiority
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an inferiority
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 complex, as they are unable to
post
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 about
such
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luxrious
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luxurious
 items or vacations.
This
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 constant need to
post
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in
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on
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 social
media
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 about expensive items or
about
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apply
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exotic locations in order to look appealing to their
peers
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 often
results
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 in
peer
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pressure
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.
Therefore
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, the social and commercial aspects are
root
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the root
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 cause
for
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of
show examples
stress
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 among
children
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.
Secondly
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, kids who are excelling in their academic careers are often appreciated than those who are not.
As a result
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, the
children
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 feel neglected and undervalued. Research suggests that
children
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 who are compared to their intelligent
peers
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 often experience academic
pressure
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 to win
approval
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the approval
show examples
 of their teachers,
parents
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, and
peers
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.
Thus
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, the need to excel in their studies just to win approval
also
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results
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 in
stress
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. To remedy
this
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 problem, the best approach is to build a strong parent-child bond. It is advised to
parents
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 to
be proactively participate
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proactively participate
show examples
 in their
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 to understand their feelings and negative emotions
such
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 as inferiority complex,
peer
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pressure
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 and
need
Correct article usage
the need
show examples
 to win approval. By understanding and fostering effective communication
parents
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 are able to solve these problems and instill personal values by providing emotional
support
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. Research suggests
,
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apply
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when
Correct word choice
that when
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children
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 are provided emotional
support
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 they feel valued, which could lower
down
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apply
show examples
their
stress
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level
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levels
show examples
 by decreasing the stimulation of cortisol. In conclusion, young
children
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 are struggling with
stress
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 because of
peer
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pressure
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 and excessive usage of social
media
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 apps, which
results
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 in educational, social, and commercial
pressure
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. To
remey
Correct your spelling
remedy
this
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 situation, a strong parent-child bond is essential to foster effective communication which could provide emotional
support
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 to their
children
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. by providing emotional
support
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 the stimulation of the cortisol hormone is deceased, which
further
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 lowers
stress
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 levels.
Therefore
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,
active
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the active
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involement
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involvement
 of
parents
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 is essential to decrease educational, social, and commercial
pressure
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.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to check for spelling mistakes, such as 'luxrious' and 'remedy.'
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a clear structure: an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion for each idea.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed examples or explanations for your points to strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
You identified the main pressures on children well and explained them clearly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and repeats the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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