IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encouragw pwoplw to consume less sugar do you agree or disagree ?

These days, a significant debate has been sparked between
people
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 who advocate that
products
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 which contain a huge amount of sugar should be more expensive and others who believe that it is not appropriate to restrict
people
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’s choices in
this
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 way.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides and explain why I agree with the latter statement and consider raising costs is not sufficient to deal with
this
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 issue. On the one hand, convenience food provides instant energy, often gained from snacks,
such
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 as chocolates and fizzy drinks. In the modern world, it cannot be denied that
people
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 undergo a rigorous schedule every day which encourages the growth of stress levels and exhaustion. In
this
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 time, individuals need to regain their energies.
Therefore
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, sugary
products
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 are their first choice, as they are a promising source of dopamine and inexpensive. Based on these facts, I believe sweet
products
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 are a staple part of our diet, and applying extra taxes is not an appropriate solution at all.
On the other hand
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, consuming junk foods, especially Coke and other sugary foods generates health disorders. Today, most
people
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 have a poor diet, so impairments are becoming more prevalent in the community. To illustrate, children have easy access to these artificial
products
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, as their parents are not resistant to nagging and pestering.
That is
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 why, the obesity rates among children and inadequate development are on the rise, particularly in developed countries. In conclusion, despite increasing health issues, sweetened
products
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 are a basic need of humans.
While
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 many
people
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 support that excessive consumption of sugary
products
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 should be limited by applying high costs, I believe junk foods offer the opportunity to gain energy instantly which makes them irreplaceable.
Thus
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, I argue that governments should take measures in order to raise awareness about the harmful effects of sweet snacks,
such
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 as organizing seminars in kindergartens and schools.

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task response
Make your introduction clearer by stating your main opinion directly, such as 'I agree that sugary products should not be more expensive.'
coherence cohesion
Use simple linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' to help connect your ideas better.
task response
Provide specific examples, like mentioning actual health problems caused by sugar to strengthen your argument.
positive
You present a clear opinion in your introduction, which is a good start for your essay.
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