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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Some
people
Use synonyms
 tell
children
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 to
work
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 hard to achieve their dreams based on their culture. It has benefits
such
Linking Words
 as preparing
children
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 to become more persistent and optimistic. Meanwhile, it leads to more
people
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 with too much
work
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 and statements that they will difficult to accept the failures. On the one hand,
children
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 who are told to achieve something by working hard will be resulting to be more persistent. It is because they always give their full effort to do their responsibilities, even though the path to their goal is very challenging.
For instance
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, Bandung Elementary School, which has a very competitive exam among other schools, teach their students to study harder to be the top students.
Additionally
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, being told to try hard has an impact on becoming more optimistic because of the positive mindset that believes their clear visions which they imagine is achievable.
On the other hand
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, there is
also
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 a drawback of telling
children
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 that they will have what they want if they
work
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 hard, which is figuring out more
children
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 and even adults doing too much
work
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. The reason is that they believe that the only factor to determine their success is solely paying more attention to their
work
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. It is not an appropriate personality, because they will forget about other factors that are
also
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 important.
In addition
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, it will be difficult to move on from one failure because they think they have already given a full effort.
For example
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, a study conducted by ITB found that 30% of their students encounter depression because it is the first failure in their life even though they have studied over time, and it takes more than a year for them to recover. In conclusion, giving advice to try hard in order to meet their goals has some positive
as well as
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 negative impacts on
children
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. It can produce more persistent and optimistic characteristics
of
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in
show examples
people
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, but more
people
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work
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over
Change preposition
beyond
show examples
 their capacity and more
people
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cannot wisely accept if they fail.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects to the topic. Use more topic sentences to guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to support your points with clearer examples and explanations. This will help your ideas sound stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages well, showing a balanced view of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and sets the stage for the discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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