IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people like to work in a company which offers high salary. Some others think that it is good to work in a company which offers a good working atmosphere. What is your opinion? Discuss both the views with examples.

Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 usually don'
t
Use synonyms
 want to be connected with their coworkers. They prefer to earn a lot of money
instead
Linking Words
 of working with good
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is
general
Correct article usage
a general
show examples
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
show examples
 in the world, not only
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 in Korea.
However
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that working in
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
good circumstances is way more important than a high
salary
Use synonyms
. We are likely to be
infulenced
Correct your spelling
influenced
 by
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 atmosphere, so
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
that
Linking Words
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
wokers'
Correct your spelling
workers'
 enthusiasm but
also
Linking Words
lengthen
Correct subject-verb agreement
lengthens
show examples
 their
worklife
Correct your spelling
work life
work-life
. On the one hand, some kind of
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
 can encourage worker's productive way. They can relieve
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
stress about their daily bills. Because almost half of basic workers have to pay their rent, water and electric
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
 and so on, if they can'
t
Use synonyms
 get enough amount of money,
they're
Verb problem
they
show examples
 inevitably
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 a serious
threatening
Replace the word
threat
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 daily life.
According to
Linking Words
study
Add an article
a study
show examples
 conducted by Statistics of Korea,
people
Use synonyms
 who
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 a
salary
Use synonyms
more
Change preposition
of more
show examples
 than five million won
felt more
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 happier than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not. In
this
Linking Words
 study, subjects who
recieve
Correct your spelling
received
receive
 under five million won answered a question asking what can make them happy. 80
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of them chose
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
 as a big component of their pleasure.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it is undeniable that
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 atmosphere can impact employee's enthusiasm.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 we are paid plenty of money, if we
met
Wrong verb form
meet
show examples
co-worker
Correct article usage
a co-worker
show examples
 or manager who
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 a bad personality, most of us can'
t
Use synonyms
 stay in there
so
Change preposition
for so
show examples
 long. There is a famous sentence; If you can'
t
Use synonyms
 stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I want to tell you about my personal story as an example of
this
Linking Words
 sentence. I was working in a hospital as a nurse, and it was one of the infamous hospitals in Korea. When I was a
new-grad
Correct your spelling
new grad
show examples
 nurse, my preceptor always said that I
am
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 the dumbest person she
Add a missing verb
had never
show examples
never
Correct your spelling
ever
show examples
 seen before and
judging
Wrong verb form
judged
show examples
 my appearance every day. Most of
nurses
Add an article
the nurses
show examples
 working
more
Change preposition
for more
show examples
 than three years sympathised with her,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
 our manager couldn'
t
Use synonyms
do
Verb problem
take
show examples
 any action to stop her.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
show examples
 I got a severe
deppression
Correct your spelling
depression
due to
Linking Words
 her verbal abuse. I decided to quit my job, and it took six months
overcoming with
Wrong verb form
to overcome
show examples
 the worst memories I
got
Verb problem
had
show examples
 there. As we can see in my case, working in
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 atmosphere can make
workspace
Correct article usage
the workspace
show examples
unacceptable
Correct article usage
an unacceptable
show examples
 place.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
 can reduce worrying about workers' economic problems. But
bad
Add an article
the bad
show examples
 mood of
workspace
Correct article usage
the workspace
show examples
 makes employees exhausted
while
Linking Words
 they're paid a lot.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and summarize it in the conclusion. This will strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words like 'firstly', 'on the other hand', and 'in conclusion' to help the flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammar and spelling mistakes, as they can confuse readers and weaken your point.
task achievement
You provided personal experience, which makes your argument stronger and relatable.
task achievement
Good understanding of the importance of workplace atmosphere and salary.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: