IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Schools should focus more on national history than world history. Do you agree?

Whether national
history
Use synonyms
 should be prioritized over
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
 is a topic that deserves careful consideration. The writer of
this
Linking Words
 essay strongly disagrees with the statement that
schools
Use synonyms
 should focus more on national
history
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 fosters global interconnectedness among
students
Use synonyms
 and helps prevent nationalism and xenophobia, even though some believe that a country’s
history
Use synonyms
 should be emphasized more. To commence,
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 helps bridge gaps between nations.
In other words
Linking Words
, if
schools
Use synonyms
 include more
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 in their curriculum,
students
Use synonyms
 can learn about a wide range of cultures from different countries.
This
Linking Words
 broadens their perspectives and helps them appreciate diverse lifestyles.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 develop more open minds and are better able to connect and share knowledge with international peers.
For example
Linking Words
, a student familiar with
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 tends to make friends more easily across cultures than someone who only knows about their own country’s
history
Use synonyms
. Another important point is that learning
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 helps prevent nationalism and xenophobia. People with narrow perspectives can expand their understanding of various cultures and societies through
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 fosters tolerance and empathy, promoting a sense of shared humanity among individuals from different nations. Take Vietnam as an example, where
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 is taught as a separate subject in
schools
Use synonyms
. The outcome has been positive: Vietnamese
students
Use synonyms
 have become more sociable and open-minded toward foreigners.
This
Linking Words
 demonstrates why
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 remains essential in contemporary education.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, some argue that national
history
Use synonyms
 should be prioritized because it strengthens cultural identity. It is true that knowing one’s national
history
Use synonyms
 helps individuals engage more effectively with their society, which is crucial for both study and work.
However
Linking Words
, overemphasizing national
history
Use synonyms
 could reduce the time available to teach
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
, leading to an imbalance in
students
Use synonyms
’ knowledge of both their country and the wider
world
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 national
history
Use synonyms
 plays an important role in helping people engage in their society,
world
Use synonyms
history
Use synonyms
 remains vital in education because it fosters global connections and counters nationalism and xenophobia. As globalization continues to advance, having a broader understanding of the
world
Use synonyms
 is a significant advantage for anyone seeking to study or work internationally.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider adding more examples to support your points. Examples help to make your ideas clearer and stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words more frequently to connect your ideas. Words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' can help with flow.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
Your points are well-organized, and the argument is clear and convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: