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Band 7.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
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whether we like it or not, over the past few decades, modern
technologies
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 have transformed virtually all aspects of individuals' lives and youngsters' leisure
time
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 is no exception.
Although
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this
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 has both merits and demerits, in a more personal view, the disadvantages are greater than the advantages. To commence with, enormous importance has been laid on how new
technologies
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 affect
children
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's free
time
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. A fundamental criterion would be that thanks to the Internet, a wide variety of activities are constantly available free of charge to youths from various animations to distinct VR games.
For instance
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,
this
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 happened to my six-year-old niece who has a burning desire for Disney animations,
hence
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 she watched loads of these animations on YouTube without bothering her parents.
In other words
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, modern
technologies
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 give a hand to
children
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 to enjoy their free
time
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 by doing their desired activity without disturbing others. There are,
however
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, numerous downsides to the mentioned movement, First and foremost, a vast ratio of young
children
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 allocate their free
time
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 to playing online games rather than spending
time
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 with their parents and friends face-to-face,
thus
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this
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 would have a detrimental effect on their communication skills.
For example
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, a recent survey in my country suggested that nowadays a staggering amount of youths use their iPads in their free
time
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instead
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 of learning new skills
such
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 as drawing with their loved ones.
Secondly
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,
due to
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 recent
technologies
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, countless amounts of uncensored content are displayed to younger ones watching them in their free
time
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, which has resulted in a sharp rise in domestic violence,
as well as
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 committing to crime.
In other words
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, digital
technologies
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 have a dangerous effect on
children
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's characteristic traits.
To conclude
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, undoubtedly, the pattern in which younger ones spend their leisure
time
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 remarkably changed
as a consequence
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 of new
technologies
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.
Although
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this
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 has positive and negative notes, in my opinion, given the causes above, everything can be recapitulated into the fact that the advantages are outnumbered by the disadvantages.
Submitted by maryam.niknamm on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph naturally follows from the one before it and leads into the next. Paragraph transition phrases can be helpful.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from varied sentence structures to demonstrate linguistic flexibility and complexity.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present but could provide a clearer framework for the essay's argument, strengthening the overall position taken.
task achievement
Be cautious not to oversimplify or overgeneralize statements. Offering nuanced views or acknowledging exceptions could enrich the essay's argument.
task achievement
Adding more detailed examples can further support the main points and enhance the argument's strength and validity.
task achievement
Task response is adequate but aim to explore the implications or contrasts between the advantages and disadvantages in more depth for a stronger analysis.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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