IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, governments and individuals spend too much money on national celebrations such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Worldwide, some believe that
governments
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 and
people
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 tend to spend a high amount of cash on national celebrations like New Year and religious festivals.
However
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, I totally disagree with
this
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 statement because
governments
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 gain a lot more
money
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 by attracting tourists,
also
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this
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 allows individuals to spend quality time with their families. National
celebration
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 spending pays off through increased tourism revenue. Most of these festivals have many places where individuals can spend a large amount of
money
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,
such
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 as restaurants, gift shops, and other related regional experiences. These expenditures can make up for large portions of a country’s spending, leading to recovering their initial investment.
For example
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, During Saudi Arabia's National Day
celebration
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, the
governments
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 spend millions on preparing specific places for
celebration
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.
However
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, these places attract thousands of
people
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, who end up spending a lot of
money
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 on food, beverages, gifts, and other related things. By
this
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, the Saudi government gain more than they have invested. For citizens, national celebrations allow
people
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 to have an enjoyable time with their families. In today’s lifestyle, individuals are more focused on their work life, which causes many to have a stressful life.
Therefore
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,
although
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people
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 might spend a large amount of cash on these celebrations, it allows them to reconnect with the
people
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 they care about, which will refresh their energy and increase their happiness.
For instance
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, In Saudi Arabia,
people
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 save
money
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 for a whole month before the Eid
celebration
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 and
then
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 spend most of it on buying new clothes, food, and gifts.
However
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, many believe it is worth the cost considering they get to spend the whole day with friends and family. In conclusion, I disagree that
governments
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 and
people
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 spend too much cash on national holidays because
this
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money
Use synonyms
 is invested by
governments
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 to attract many tourists, and it allows
people
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 to spend valuable time with their families.

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Task Response
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. Instead of saying you 'totally disagree,' you could state that 'spending on national celebrations can be beneficial.' This clarifies your argument right away.
Coherence and Cohesion
Add more linking words to connect your ideas better. For instance, phrases like 'on the other hand' or 'furthermore' can help the reader follow your thoughts more smoothly.
Task Response
Consider adding a few more details or examples to your second point about family time. This could make your argument stronger and keep the reader more engaged.
Task Achievement
You provide strong examples, especially from Saudi Arabia, which effectively support your points about tourism and family time. This makes your argument more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with a logical flow from one idea to the next. Your paragraphs each focus on a main idea, which is good for coherence.
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