IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage peopleto consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

As we know, the excessive consumption of
sugar
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 causes many
health
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 issues and some can be severe or untreatable. Many food and drink
products
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 manufactured these days contain high levels of
sugar
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.
While
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 there is an ongoing debate regarding whether the price of
sugar
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 should be increased to stop
people
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 from consuming
sugar
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, I partially agree with
this
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 statement.
This
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 essay will discuss why I partially support the point and give a reason for my contrasting opinion as well. First and foremost, excessive
sugar
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 consumption leads to severe
health
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 diseases
such
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 as diabetes, heart problems, obesity and tooth decay. Studies have shown that 20% of diabetic patients are children and 40% of heart issues among
people
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 around the globe are caused by heavy
sugar
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 intake.
Therefore
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, increasing the price of
sugar
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 certainly hinders many
health
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 problems associated with high levels of
sugar
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.
Moreover
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, the surge in
sugar
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 prices will create awareness among more
people
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 who are not aware of the damaging effects of the consumption of sugary
products
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.
However
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,
although
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 making
sugar
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 more expensive has its own merits, encouraging a balanced diet is necessary rather than entirely hindering consumers from consuming
sugar
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.
This
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 is because, food like chocolates, sweets, and cakes are important for certain occasions like birthday parties and weddings.
Furthermore
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, some groups of
people
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 who are financially disadvantaged cannot enjoy desserts at family events.
For instance
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, if an average-earning family wants to celebrate their kid’s fifth birthday where mostly children are invited, they have no option but to serve sweets. If these
products
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 are incredibly expensive, a simple birthday party will be a burden for them.
Therefore
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, it is not the best approach to increase the price of
sugar
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 and expect everyone to benefit from it. In conclusion, it is an undeniable fact that making
sugar
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products
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 a luxury has its own advantages in encouraging
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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, thereby reducing
health
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 issues.
Nevertheless
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, I firmly believe that
this
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 method is not very efficient because there are
people
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 who will be disadvantaged by
this
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. So, encouraging a good balanced diet will be a more effective approach to avoid
health
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 problems
overall
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.

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Task Achievement
Try to develop your contrasting opinion a bit more, as it will help strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea with supporting sentences to increase clarity.
Task Achievement
Use more examples or evidence to support your points, especially in the second argument.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion and sets the stage for the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a good structure with clear paragraphs for each main idea.
Task Achievement
You presented both sides of the argument well, showing a balanced approach.
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