IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

The
Change preposition
In the
show examples
 next few years rates of
obesity
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
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increasing
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
 in several countries and some
people
Use synonyms
 claim
that is
Linking Words
governtments
Correct your spelling
government
 should
Add a missing verb
be responsibility
show examples
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
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to resolve
Change preposition
for resolving
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it is a personality problem and should be handled individually. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it is
that
Correct word choice
apply
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a personal matter since they are the ones who take charge of their consumption . The
governtment
Correct your spelling
government
 can
effectivelly
Correct your spelling
effectively
 build
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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arrangements to control the obese population by limiting fattening food that contains
higher
Correct word choice
apply
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higher fat levels.
This
Linking Words
 can be done by inspecting the
ingridients
Correct your spelling
ingredients
 of the meal, which will indirectly
affecting
Change the verb form
affect
be affecting
show examples
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 consumption of fattening products as it can minimize the risk of
obesity
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
south
Capitalize word
South
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 Korea, there
is
Verb problem
apply
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an rules
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
labelling
Add an article
the labelling
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 of food that system
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
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 the number of fattening substances so that
people
Use synonyms
 become more aware of managing their weight.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the more controllable they are, the fewer the number of obese population would be.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals are suggested to implement a balanced diet because they
knowbtheir
Correct your spelling
know their
 bodies and daily meals more deeply. They can take a suitable approach to making losing-weight plans that will not harm them during the process as they can maintain and explore their own
neccessities
Correct your spelling
necessities
 independently. To exemplify, some
people
Use synonyms
 who get chronic
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
due to
Linking Words
obesity
Use synonyms
 will slowly realize it is their responsibility to
mantain
Correct your spelling
maintain
 their health.
As a result
Linking Words
, they change their habits by having proper meals and healthy food choices.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the
governtment
Correct your spelling
government
 will certainly support
people
Use synonyms
 to overcome
obesity
Use synonyms
 by providing strict regulations that can encourage them to monitor their meals.
However
Linking Words
, I consider that paying attention to one's body would
he
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 a viable measure as the individual can solve the problems by themselves and find the most effective solution.

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Grammar
Make sure to use correct spelling and grammar. For example, 'governtment' should be 'government', and 'neccessities' should be 'necessities'.
Cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to show the main idea. This will help the reader follow your arguments better.
Task Response
Add more specific examples and details to support your points. For instance, explain how exactly the labeling in South Korea helps reduce obesity.
Task Achievement
You clearly state your opinion and differentiate between government and individual responsibilities.
Task Achievement
Your ideas about the role of the government are relevant and show understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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