IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behavior. Do you agree or disagree?

There is currently a contentious argument over whether the surge in
violence
Use synonyms
 portrayed on television has negatively
effects
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affected
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children
Use synonyms
's behaviour. I completely agree with the statement because
violence
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 aggravates
aggresive
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aggressive
 behaviour in
children
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 and
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 increased mental health problems. The main reason why I believe higher exposure
of
Change preposition
to
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violence
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 shown on
televison
Correct your spelling
television
 can provoke bad attitudes in
children
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.
Children
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's minds are
the
Correct article usage
apply
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delicate
one
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apply
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and they mostly learn from what they
sees
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see
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. If they are
continously
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continuously
 exposed to violent programs shown
in
Change preposition
on
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 TV, movies and video games, they will eventually become
desentisized
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desensitized
 to
violence
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 and will
percieve
Correct your spelling
perceive
violence
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 as
a
Change the article
an
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 acceptable way to resolve conflicts or to show power over others. To illustrate
this
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, we can take an example of bullying in schools, some kids bully others to show
apathetic
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an apathetic
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 attitude and create an environment of fear among other kids. Another reason why
i
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I
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 believe that exposure to
violence
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 has negative impacts on
children
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's behaviour
because
Add a missing verb
is because
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 it has
hightened
Correct your spelling
heightened
 the mental health problems
such
Linking Words
 as fear, anxiety and panic attacks in
children
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.
Children
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 with
continious
Correct your spelling
continuous
 exposure to
violence
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 are unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy, leading to the feeling of confusion, insecurity and inability to express emotions.
This
Linking Words
 can result in long-term behavioural problems
such
Linking Words
 as
nighmares
Correct your spelling
nightmares
,
insomia
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insomnia
 and
widhdrawl
Correct your spelling
withdrawal
 from social interactions. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would completely agree that
Correct article usage
the prevelance
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prevelance
Correct your spelling
prevalence
 of
violence
Use synonyms
 on television has detrimental effects on
children
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 and
sociey
Correct your spelling
society
 as well.
This
Linking Words
 growing concern can only be solved if parents,
policy makers
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policymakers
show examples
 and media producers move forward with a collaborative approach to restrict
violence
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 and promote media literacy among
children
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 to safeguard them from the
harnful
Correct your spelling
harmful
 effects of
violence
Use synonyms
.

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language
Make sure to check spelling and grammar. Words like 'aggravates' and 'desensitized' should be spelled correctly. Use basic words when possible.
content
Try to give clearer examples to support your ideas. Explain how violence causes specific problems in more detail.
coherence
Make sure your ideas flow better. Use linking words like 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'finally' to help the reader follow your thoughts more easily.
content
You clearly state your opinion in the introduction. This makes it easy for the reader to understand your position.
content
You provide some relevant ideas about the impact of violence on children, which shows you understand the topic well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggression
  • conflict resolution
  • instill fear
  • mental health
  • perception
  • imitation
  • aggressive behavior
  • empathy
  • unrealistic understanding
  • ramifications
  • inappropriate content
  • vulnerable
  • behavioral patterns
  • differentiate
  • fiction and reality
  • exposure to violence
  • negative impact
  • television violence
  • blur the lines
What to do next:
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