IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, governments and individuals spend too much money on national celebrations such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Many people in many countries celebrate some occasions by spending a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 on it. I agree with
this
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 statement
due to
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 some reasons that will be elaborated below.
To begin
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 with, some occasions
such
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New
Change preposition
as New
show examples
year
Capitalize word
Year
show examples
eve
Capitalize word
Eve
show examples
 and religious festivals are celebrated in many ways
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which waste
money
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. Citizens and the government should realize that the
money
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they use to do those moments is able to be spent in useful ways.
For example
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, people who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 Christmas
party
Fix the agreement mistake
parties
show examples
 could use their budget to fulfil their daily needs
in
Change preposition
apply
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which is more
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
.
Moreover
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, the official is supposed to utilize the
money
Use synonyms
 that they are allocated to commence those agendas to tackle some problems that happen in their area.
On the other hand
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, in some places, religious events are important to commence
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
because those agendas become part of their culture
although
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 it means spending many
sources
Correct your spelling
resources
show examples
.
For example
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, in Bali, Hindu people already know that commencing their religious festivals needs
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
, but they will still do it because it has become part of their life. Another example is for Muslims, when they do religious events, they will commit to
do
Change the verb form
doing
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 it because they think
that is
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 the most appropriate way to do it.
To conclude
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, officials and their citizens used to celebrate some occasions
such
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 New
Year
Change noun form
Year's
show examples
 Eve and religious agendas by spending a lot of
money
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 in which they could use that
money
Use synonyms
 in other ways that might have a good impact on both their environment and themselves. I agree with
this
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 thought
due to
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 several reasons that have been mentioned above.

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coherence and cohesion
Add clearer main points in your paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one clear idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to connect your ideas smoothly. Phrases like 'On one hand', 'In addition', or 'Furthermore' would help.
task achievement
Make sure to clearly explain your examples and how they support your points.
task achievement
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing your main ideas more clearly.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear position on the topic and expresses your agreement nicely.
task achievement
You provided examples from specific cultures which show an understanding of the topic.
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