IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Many governments believe that economic development is their topmost priority,
whereas
Linking Words
,
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
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 some argue that progress in other aspects
hold
Change the verb form
holds
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 equal importance for a country.
While
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 it cannot be denied that development in the economic aspects
lead
Change the verb form
leads
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 to a series of benefits important for a developed country, there are quite a few criteria which should be fulfilled.
A progress
Remove the article
Progress
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 in
Use synonyms
economy
Add an article
the economy
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 equals to
better
Add an article
a better
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 quality of living, an improved society
as well as
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increased
Add an article
an increased
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 job
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, the lacking areas in a society will be refined owing to a flourishing
economy
Use synonyms
.
Likewise
Linking Words
, in my view, if these matters are solely focused upon
then
Linking Words
 social
issues
Use synonyms
 can arise in the future. A sustainable
economy
Use synonyms
 is the key to achieving
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
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 prosperity which
comprised
Add a missing verb
is comprised
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 of
economical
Replace the word
economic
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 and social growth. If governments neglect on health industry, education and work environments
then
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 the idea of a refined
economy
Use synonyms
 will lose its purpose.
Consequently
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, the government should try its absolute best to into account
of
Change preposition
apply
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various societal
issues
Use synonyms
 that
helps
Change the verb form
help
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 the people living in it.
For instance
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,
work
Correct article usage
the work
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 culture in Japan is vigorous to the point that it drives its people to suicide or is the main factor behind their psychological
issues
Use synonyms
.
Same
Change the article
The same
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 thing can be said about schools in South Korea, where students go through immense pressure by studying during school hours till
afternoon
Correct article usage
the afternoon
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 after which they are bound to undertake tuition classes until night to achieve these results.
As a result
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, people in these countries suffer from numerous mental
issues
Use synonyms
 and low fertility. In conclusion, even though a country can have a high standard of living when its
economy
Use synonyms
 is stronger, I think improving other areas,
such
Linking Words
 as the work environment, is of equal significance in regards to building
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 enhanced
economy
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it well.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly by using linking words like 'however' or 'for example'.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states both views and your opinion more directly.
task achievement
Provide a more balanced discussion of both views before giving your opinion.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your ideas, which is great!
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your thoughts well, which helps improve clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • sustainable development
  • social equality
  • environmental degradation
  • cultural heritage
  • technological innovation
  • wealth disparity
  • human development index
  • holistic approach
  • quality of life
  • economic prosperity
  • healthcare system
  • education system
  • cultural diversity
  • policy decisions
What to do next:
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